LOVELORN

6|Memories & practice

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*𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴 𝘢 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘶𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘮.*

I WAS fourteen, soon to turn fifteen, when I attempted suicide. It took nearly dying for my parents to notice there was something that was off with me. To care.

Obviously, I failed. Some days I was grateful for that, other days I wasn't. My near-death was what pushed me into therapy. Pushed my parents to deal with whatever was going on with me.

No one had found me or anything. I'd panicked and called 911, crying into the phone that I regretted it. They sent an ambulance to my house promptly after. I was home alone so my family didn't find out until a nurse called them. When they rushed into the hospital with a hysteric Avi, I broke down and told them everything. The months of self-harm and years of feeling like this.

Avi had cried so much that I almost had to console him even if I was the one in the hospital bed. I hadn't ever seen him cry that much. Zora's reaction was similar. She'd held me for hours with tears flowing down her cheeks, refusing to let go.

That day and the aftermath of it haunted me constantly almost three years later. When I couldn't sleep, it dug its way into my thoughts, making me toss and turn for hours. It had been over a year since I last self-harmed, but the memories taunted me every night.

When they deemed I was healthy enough to not kill myself anymore, my parents took me out of therapy. The issue of my depression and anxiety had barely been brought up since. I was pretty certain my parents believed I was cured now or something. They didn't realize the anxiety still clawed at me and the depression always lingered. If I was okay enough to function, it didn't matter how I felt on the inside. That automatically meant I was doing great.

I didn't tell them, though. So maybe I only had myself to blame.

Repressing the memories, I leaned my forehead against the car window and watched the streets pass by until school was in view. It made me sick to my stomach thinking about going today, but I had to. Getting my grades up was a must.

A hand seized my wrist before I could open the car door. I turned my head to give Avi a questioning, agitated look.

"Can you please stop ignoring me? I apologized, didn't I?"

"Let go of me. This is like the worst possible time to discuss this. I need to get to class."

"I hate how distant we've become."

My chest tightened. "Later, Avi."

I yanked my wrist out of his grip and exited the car. Zora was standing in front of me, giving me a jump scare at her sudden appearance.

"I saw your car pulling into the parking lot on my way in," she explained as if sensing I was wondering. "I'm glad you're at school today. It's fucking hell without you."

That elicited a small smile from me. It quickly dropped when her eyes shifted to beside me as she gave Avi a wave. He greeted her and went to find his friends. Zora filled me up on everything that had happened yesterday as we entered the school building.

"Noah approached me."

My head turned so fast that it gave me a sudden neck spasm. I winced and rubbed at the spot.

"What happened?"

"He apologized for any stupid things he may have said while he was drunk and asked for a second chance. Even asked me to homecoming next Friday."