LOVELORN

54|Exposed & seen

.　 *. • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

HE KNEW, he knew the greatest secret I'd kept from him. Something I'd intended on never revealing until recently. Another secret ripped away from my hands without a semblance of my permission. I was supposed to tell him, not Mom, not anybody else. But now he knew and there was nothing I could do to erase that, as much as I desperately wanted to.

If I'd thought I felt exposed before, that was nothing compared to this. I felt like I'd been turned inside out, like Avi could see all the raw, muddied emotions I'd wanted to keep hidden for years. This love that had unfolded my heart yet broken it a dozen times.

It was overwhelming, how utterly on display and out of control I felt. Love was an intimate feeling, fragile and complex. To reveal it to someone was an act of trust. It was never supposed to be uncovered in an act of violence and twisted into something viewed as sinful.

I wasn't ready, I wasn't ready, I wasn't fucking ready and it filled me with a nausea-inducing mix of panic and anger that I was continuously forced to admit things against my will.

He knew I was in love with my best friend and the girl he'd practically been dating. It was as messy as it could fucking get and I didn't want to do this.

"Based on your reaction, I'm going to guess that Ma wasn't lying," he said tentatively with a slight grimace. "It's really true? For how long?"

I winced, wanting to talk about literally anything else, to hide somewhere where I didn't feel like all my emotions had been bared to the world. Nonetheless, I forced myself to answer. "Since I've known her basically."

He raked a hand through his hair, seeming in disbelief. "Holy shit, you're in love with the girl I dated?"

My eyes hardened, guards immediately shooting up. The girl he dated. Like she was fucking his when she'd never been. I couldn't help but feel possessive and simultaneously hurt, like all my feelings had been wrung out of a dirty towel and reduced to some longing for the girl he dated.

"Zora's not just the girl you fucking dated," I spat out. "She was my best friend before you were even a semblance of a thing. You were the one who dated the girl I'm in love with, there's a difference."

His face fell and he frowned. Suddenly, I felt guilty, my features softening. "I didn't mean it like that, I just...wow. If I knew, I never would have kissed her, I promise."

I shrugged, looking out the window. "Not like you can take it back. It's in the past, anyway."

It was silent for a moment, all I could hear was our breathing and the rain pattering. I hadn't even noticed it had started raining at some point during our talk.

"Does she know?"

I tensed, knowing I couldn't tell him the truth, not when I hadn't gotten permission from Zora to do so. If I said 'yes', he would ask further questions. While I didn't want to lie to him, I wanted even less to break Zora's trust. This wasn't only my secret to share.

"Can you take me home?" I asked instead of answering. It was a lame way to avoid the question, but I didn't know what else to do.

Avi paused and I could feel his eyes on me. After a moment, he mumbled, "Okay."

It was a short drive, but when he pulled up to Zora's house, I was still so eager to get out of the car. I hardly allowed him to get a word out before I rushed away. It was a bit rude, but I wanted to avoid any further questioning. All I wanted was to go inside, to my home.