LOVELORN

49|Normality & need

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RETURNING TO school on Tuesday consumed me with dread. It had only been a week and a half, but it had felt like forever. From kissing Zora to my mom finding out I was into girls and kicking me out, to moving in with Zora, saying it had been a hectic break was an understatement.

With the finals approaching, the upcoming weeks would be stressful ones. Graduation was nearing, with less than two months to go before we would officially be free from the hell that had been high school. It was a chapter of my life I'd be glad to leave in the dust.

Nonetheless, the end of high school was still daunting. Mainly because I wasn't sure if I would be going to college, or how I would finance it if I did get in. The remaining letters Avi had given me were also the final ones. If they were all rejections and if I didn't get off any of the waiting lists, I wasn't sure I would be going to college. What would I do then? The lack of an answer to that question fueled my ever-growing anxiety. I tried to push it aside for today and focus on the present, rather than my impending future.

Seeing as Zora's house was a walking distance from school, we made our way there on foot. Sensing my anxiety, she interweaved our fingers, our joined hands acting as a point of stability for me. Rather than focusing on everything that had happened and everything that could happen, I redirected my attention to the simplicity of the touch. Palm against palm. Fingers tangled together.

We hadn't shared anything but innocent touches, not even a brush of lips since Sunday. Mr. West had cleared out the guestroom the other day, so I'd been able to keep my stuff and sleep there. It felt odd to sleep alone in Zora's house, having gotten used to curling up next to her during our countless sleepovers. It gave me privacy, but I found myself not enjoying it, missing her presence at night, craving to be embraced in the way I'd been my first night living there.

Instead, at a suitable hour, I retreated into the guest room, leaving us both sleeping alone. The only perks were that I didn't bother her with my turbulent nightmares, though I thankfully hadn't had another panic attack yet, and that I had proper storage for my things. Otherwise, I found myself feeling lonely with only the dim moonlight peeking through the blinds as company. Somehow, even though I'd spent the past two days entirely with Zora, I still yearned for more of her.

However, Zora was being cautious, as if she was afraid to cross an invisible line, one I ached for her to step past. Every time we would get close to kissing, she would hesitate, or deliberately destroy the moment. I'd narrowed it down to two possibilities; either she didn't want to, or she was scared I didn't. The sensible thing to do would be to ask, but I didn't know how to broach the topic.

There was a comfortable silence that had fallen over us on our walk to school. My eyes sought out her periodically. Sometimes, our eyes met and smiles would be shared.

This morning, Zora had helped me cover up the mark on my face. As long as you didn't look too closely, it wasn't visible. The other bruises were easy to cover, I wore a hoodie or a sweater most of the time anyway.

As school came into view, my steps faltered.

"Say the word and we'll skip today," Zora said and I knew she meant it, but I didn't want to miss school. It would only make me feel worse.

"No, it's okay," I reassured her, hand slipping out of hers and into my pocket. "It'll probably be good for me to get a routine back."