LOVELORN

30|Imagination & Consolation

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IMPULSIVE WAS never a word I would use to describe myself. Every move I made seemed to be calculated in my head, the possible outcomes ringing in my head until my brain would explode from the anxiety pressing against its wall unless I made a decision.

Kissing Mai was a rash decision, the reasoning behind it hazy. Maybe it was the intimacy of sharing our pasts, a new unspoken bond of understanding forming between us. I see, and I understand. Maybe it was the proximity we were sitting at and the way I'd looked into her eyes to find something to focus on except for the turmoil buzzing in my head.

Maybe it was the fact that briefly, Mai had fused with Zora in my imagination. Maybe it was because Mai had kissed girls before and I wanted to know what it was like, if I could feel something for someone who wasn't Zora. Mai was pretty and experienced after all. She knew how to move her lips and where to move her hands. Maybe it was because I was selfish. No, not maybe. It was selfish.

It wasn't attraction. Sure, Mai was gorgeous, but I'd only ever viewed her in a platonic light. Besides, my heart lay in the hands of someone else. I kissed her and I regretted it almost immediately.

Our lips moved in sync, her hands brushing the small of my back. I pushed closer, trying to feel something, anything. Some foolish bit of me hoped that I could find it in me to want to kiss someone who wasn't Zora. When the weight of my actions sunk in and I realized, fucking hell, I'm kissing Mai and I'm an asshole, I was about to pull away, to apologize until my throat went sore. But before I could, Mai did.

I only stared at her, eyes wide, the words stuck in my throat. After an unbearable couple of seconds of a deafening silence, Mai spoke, rather than me.

"Naya, you're," she gestured to me, "like fucking hot, okay. Usually, I couldn't resist kissing a damn attractive girl, but holy shit, Naya, that was the most ingenuine kiss I've ever had. Absolutely no part of you wanted that kiss."

"I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done, I should have-"

The sound of Mai's laugh echoed in my ears. I shut my mouth, baffled and slightly humiliated, my cheeks heating up. When Mai saw my reaction, she put a hand over her mouth to quiet her laugh, appearing apologetic.

"Man, I'm sorry. It's just, I'm not mad Naya. But this was so unexpected. I kind of figured you weren't straight but I never thought you'd, you know, kiss me."

I kind of figured you weren't straight. I kind of figured you weren't straight. I kind of figured you weren't straight. I kind of figured you weren't straight. What?

A hand waved in front of my face. "Hello. Are the lights on in there?"

"What do you mean by that?" I hastily asked.

She tilted her head. "What part?"

"The part about you figuring I wasn't straight."

Mai shrugged. "Impeccable gaydar. The way you look at Zora is pretty obvious too. I mean, you're in love with her, right? That's also why I was so shocked you kissed me."

The sheer panic in my eyes must have also been pretty obvious to her because Mai shut up, looking like she'd said too much. I never thought anyone would have noticed. Who else could have noticed?