LOVELORN

22|Christmas & Pasts

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CALL ME a pessimist, which I was to be fair, but I'd never been a big fan of Christmas. Mainly because we hardly celebrated it at my house and when we did, the spirit was not particularly joyous. Usually it consisted of a fancy dinner and some sort of acknowledgment of the fact that most of the country was celebrating a holiday. My parents weren't on the religious side and they found most holidays stupid. Hence, I'd never grown fond of Christmas.

The only thing that had made me like it a little bit was Zora. As much as my parents didn't care for Christmas, they had always forbidden me from leaving the house, insisting that it was a family holiday. Highly ironic, I know. With my mom and dad, it was nothing or everything. Either they didn't give a shit and let me do whatever as long as it didn't reflect badly on them, or they controlled everything, making sure I was miserable and compliant.

They would get mad at me for spending so much time with a friend, despite never caring otherwise. It was a twisted way of reminding me they were still in control. That they might not bother with me, but they will demand respect and obedience when they so wish.

While I might not like Christmas Day because of that, Zora would go out of her way to make sure we had a celebration together. We gave each other presents and would do something fun, or just watch a cozy movie with hot chocolate and cookies. Either way, it was the one thing that made me not totally detest Christmas.

This year, I got to celebrate on the actual day and with my favorite person ever. It was disturbed by my racing mind, however. Sweeping my problems under the rug and saying I wouldn't peek under there until after the trip was easier said than done. The image of Zora and Avi was never-ending. Trying to ignore it made it worse. Whenever I looked at her, all I could see was her with my brother. All I could think was that she would probably rather have Avi here.

When she looked into my eyes, did she catch a glimpse of him in them? Did she think, I miss him? My overthinking made me feel more anxious, to the point where I felt sick. I was shaky a lot of the time, nauseus, and my head hurt, among other things. It only reaffirmed the fact that I needed to distance myself from Zora when this trip was over.

Loving her usually made my heart ache with a tender sense of belonging. At the same time, every reminder that her feelings were returned only platonically was a splinter to my heart. These were manageable before, a mere sting, but now they had evolved into something more inflicting and constant. Now, my heart was bleeding out, the wound reopening whenever I thought of her, which was with every fucking breath. It wouldn't heal until I stopped tearing up the wound by being around her.

"Naya!" Zora shouted, startling me awake.

I flew up, headbumping Zora who had been leaning over me and hadn't reacted in time. We rubbed our foreheads in unison. When the sudden pain faded, I took a look at Zora. She was dressed in a ridiculous, but adorable, pair of Christmas pajamas. Her makeup, who knows how early she got up to do that, was Christmas-themed as well. Mr. West took the holidays seriously and that had passed onto his daughter as well.

"Merry Christmas!"

I yawned and rubbed my eyes. "What time is it?"

"8 am."

"When'd you wake up?"

"7 am," she said.