𝐢 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮, 𝐢'𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲 ˢᵒᵈᵃᵖᵒᵖ ᶜᵘʳᵗⁱˢ

𝟎𝟎𝟓. ( i love him, i guess i always have )

❝ it's okay, i'm here.❞

ONE THING THAT I HATE the most in this world? soda's girlfriend. she looks at me like i'm the biggest threat in the world and that i'll kill her. maybe i will, just not now. not in front of the love of my life.

my grip is so tight on the counter in front of me and i didn't realize it until soda brushed past me, his shoulder checking with mine. my heart pattered in my chest, when i looked towards his figure striding over to the telephone, he was looking at me. a dazzling smile lingered on his pretty face, i almost melted.

he looks away, dialing in a number to the telephone on the counter. i force my attention off of him, staring at my hands. as i stood in the dimly-lit store, memories of him flooded my mind like a gentle but persistent wave. it's been so long that i have seen him, and yet his presence now, after a whole year, stirred something deep within my soul. 

in the past, i had made a difficult decision to reject him, believing it to be the right path for the both of us at the time. it wasn't easy, and my heart had ached with uncertainty and longing as i watched him recede from my life. but life had taken its course, and we drifted apart, each finding our own separate paths. even though i hadn't wanted to go down the path i did, i still sprinted down the long path without looking back.

now that he had reappeared, an unexpected but familiar face in the crowd, i couldn't help but feel the echoes of the past stirring in my heart. the memories of our laughter, our late-night conversations, and the once shared dreams we once held so closely came rushing back, unearthing the emotions i had buried away. 

i find myself walking down the corridors of nostalgia, retracing every moment we had spent together, replaying the conversations that had once filled my heart with warmth. i wonder if he still carries those memories of me as well, if he ever thought about the way things had been between the two of us. 

my mind swirls with questions , the whispers of what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. had i made the right decision last year? should i have taken a chance on something that seemed so beautiful but uncertain?

in the midst of this emotional whirlwind, i sought solace in quiet moments of introspection. i reflect on the person i had become since the day i said goodbye, on the experience of losing sodapop that has shaped me. the past had carved it's marks in my lonely heart, and i realized then that i would never be able to escape the lingering emotions i have for him.

i love him.
i guess i always have.

as the world around me suddenly seemed to close in, my breaths became shallow and quick. a familiar, suffocating feeling of dread washed over me, and i instinctively clutched at my chest as if trying to grasp hold of some semblance of control. but the panic was relentless, tightening its grip with each passing moment. 

my heart pounds in my ears, its rapid rhythm amplifying the chaos within. it felt as if a thousand drums beat inside my chest, threatening to burst my ribcage. the sound drowned out everything else, even the boy in front of me, trying to help me out. it left me disoriented and dislocated from reality. 

my hands tremble uncontrollably, a physical manifestation of the turmoil consuming me. the room seemed to spin, and the walls appeared to close in on me, pressing against my skin like invisible vice.

every breath was a struggle, as if i were gasping for air in a vacuum. my lungs felt constricted, and no matter how much i tried to inhale deeply, it was as though there was a blockade preventing me from drawing in enough oxygen. the world became a haze of blurry shapes and distorted sounds, as if i were looking through a shattered lens. time lost its meaning, and seconds stretched like endless minutes. the once familiar environment now felt strange and threatening, and my mind conjured up worst-case scenarios, further fueling the panic.

i felt someone shaking me, shouting inaudible words at me. i couldn't utter any words, i felt detached from my body, observing the panic attack from a distance. but the physical and emotional torment was undeniably real, and i felt trapped in this whirlwind of anxiety.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
ˢᵒᵈᵃ'ˢ ᵖᵒᵛ!

i kept a safe distance from athena, the girl that broke my heart in so many different ways than i could possibly explain. even though a part of me still yearned for her to tell me she loved me, i don't think i could ever love her again.

the memories of her actions etched deeply within my soul. was she oblivious to the pain she had caused me for a year straight? would she ever comprehend the pain i had felt for what felt like a decade? 

as i brushed past her, our shoulders made a brief and accidental connection, but it felt as if an electric jolt surged through my entire body. it was a simple, almost fleeting moment, but to me, it was charged profound intensity that i couldn't ignore.

i can't ignore it, i felt all the memories of our buried past flooded through my mind, reminding me of the pain of rejection i had experienced when i had mustered up the courage to express my feelings to her. it left me wounded and vulnerable, and i spent countless nights wondering what i could possibly be lacking, what i could've done differently.

then i noticed her trembling and struggling to catch her breath, i felt an instinctive urge to help, even though memories of her rejection still linger in my heart. despite the pain i had experienced, i couldn't bear to see her in distress. with a gentle determination, i approached her, mindful of vulnerability.

"hey." i say somewhat softly, "it's okay, i'm here." i shake her slowly, even though i feel overly afraid about what could possibly be happening to her. she's staring at me, her whole body trembling. 

she doesn't respond, even though i continue saying her name almost a thousand times. i feel her panic seeping to me, but i can't be scared when she's also scared. 

"take deep breaths with me," i suggest, demonstrating the slow and steady rhythm of controlled breathing. "inhale... and exhale."

as i watched her struggle to regain control, i continued to guide her through the calming exercise, matching my breath with hers. i reach over and place my hand on her back, offering a steady presence, a reminder that she wasn't alone in this moment of turmoil.

the touch of my hand against her back brought back a sense of comfort, like an anchor in the midst of the chaos. "you're safe." i reassure her, my voice unwavering and filled with genuine concern. "i'm right here, and i won't leave you."

i felt the weight of past history, but in this moment, my only desire was to be there for her and it outweighed the lingering pain. empathy and compassion overrode the hurt, and i knew that her well-being was more important than any unresolved emotions i carried. 

her breaths finally steadied, but i still left my hand on her back and continued breathing with her. "is there anything specific that could be triggering this?" i gently inquire, i give her the opportunity to share if she felt comfortable.

"yes." she merely says, "you."

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

i watched titanic the other day and i seriously don't recall ever crying so hard in my life. i also watched romeo and juliet and i cried. why did she have to wake up right when he drank the poison i'm bawling.
-molly