The Fall

Chapter 36

Sage

I watch as the world comes awake, the sun rising through my lavender curtains. All without shutting my eyes. I called Vanessa sometime during the night after pacing my room repeatedly and then bolting to the bathroom every time my thoughts turned back to that video. I could be pregnant right now and that innocent little life is tainted by the memory that haunts me day and night.

"You won't know until you take the test," Vanessa said, tucking her long legs beneath her as she sits on my bed. I told her about the possibility of being pregnant just omitting the details of my rape. The last thing I want or need is my family getting involved in this when there's still my previous assault case going on.

"How can I do that when I'm constantly being watched?" I groan, forcing myself out of bed. The nausea didn't immediately hit me, but my body feels unsettled. If Rosie hadn't been given the week off to spend the holidays with her own family, I'm sure she'd be offended or at least concerned by the barely touched breakfast on my plate this morning.

Nessa frowns at me, concern swimming in those gray eyes of hers. "I could get you a test while I'm in town today. Kyle said I could borrow a car if I ever need to leave the house and there's no better time than now, right?"

My nerves are so rattled that I'm shaking and the room feels like it's caving in. I pause my momentary pacing and watch the resolve on my friends face. "If you're sure you're okay to do this. I may have some cash on me..." I'm rummaging through my nightstand where I usually keep cash on hand for drugs and I note the forty dollars I left inside an old book I read in high school pre Anthony circa.

"I can pay for it, Sai," Nessa sighs and covers my hand with hers. "Just get some rest and drink that tea I made you. Your mom said she'd bring up some soup later and we could watch Christmas movies if you're up to it." I climb back into my bed and prop myself up against the headboard. If I am pregnant, what kind of mother would I be? Will I be the absentee mother mine was for much of my life? Or will I be the version of her that makes my kids soup when they're sick and kiss away their tears when they fall out of trees?

Tea cup in hand, I watch as Nessa retreats out of my room and the prickling over my skin makes me want to throw myself out of my window. I didn't take my meds this morning, because I wanted to make sure I wasn't pregnant before taking them. Thus, why I'm currently spiralling.

"Sage?" I jump at the sound of Kyle's voice before he pokes his head in the door. My brother eyes me with worry and guilt slams into me for the burden I must be putting on him. During our phone calls, he explained how he and Kade were working with Artoro to find my attackers and I can see the dark circles under his eyes.

Wordlessly, I pat the space beside me and much like when we were kids and one of us was sick and we'd keep each other company watching cartoons all day, Kyle grins at me and practically launches himself on my bed, earning a squeak from me. "How's it feel to sleep in your own bed again?" He asks, turning on his side and propping his head on his hand. On one hand, I should feel relieved to be away from Hillcrest and my tormentors, but on the other hand, I feel like I'm being strangled by them all over again and I want out of my own body because they've stolen it, just like all the others.

I don't say this, of course, I plaster a smile on my face and hope it reaches the depts of my dark soul. "It's strange, if I'm being honest," I confess and my brother nods in understanding. He reaches over and gives my thigh a pat, before he pinches it and I smack the back of his head. "That hurt, fucker!"

"Good. That means you're not numb to everything around you anymore." Something passes over his features, too fast for me to catch it, but now that I'm looking at him, my brother somehow aged beyond his twenty-two years and I wonder how much of that had to do with me. "I'm just glad your back and healthy, Sage. I missed the fuck out of you."