𝐒𝐡𝐢𝐟𝐭

Stray

Sometimes I can physically feel when my heart aches, slams and then breaks.

It can be over the smallest thing, my emotions increasing the intensity of the scene.

I don't know a place where my heart is safe.

Home is where the heart is but I'm not sure where mine lays.

I am a stray.

In all aspects of my life.

The line I walk alongside is no longer straight.

My imperfections shining and taking over the facade of everything being ok.

I could try to do right but the continuous act of apologizing just to sin again seems like an even bigger risk.

Disappointment.

My brain dismissing anything of knowledge when I'm faced with hard realities and tough moments.

Just when I think things are changing.. I am reminded that I could never be free.

I guess the crime is me being born a bastard and my life sentence being my brain a literal hazard.

Not only to me but to those who seek out to hurt me because eventually I'll start speaking the things that I think, and I really don't want to hurt anybody's feelings..

Like they'd done to me.

I can feel it when my heart is no longer present.

I don't know where it goes but it leaves me there, froze, waiting for someone to notice my state and help me thaw what's gone unknown.

Speak my truth and plead to God the only judge I need.

I've found this identity but I'm still not sure if it's me...

Wearing these bigger clothes and acting emotionless is what seems to be best because it'll take longer for them to mentally undress me and maybe my resting bitch face will keep them from cat calling and approaching.

I can find the good in everything but the bad always seems to be in accompany.

I have nothing without the feeling of my heart.

Even though it brings immense pain.. when it leaves everything else seems faint.

I can feel myself pulling away..

Forgetting about everything that I thought I once knew.. realizing that maybe this poetry writing is a problem too.

Am I owning up to my mistakes just as much as I blame them for theirs.. or am I pitying myself and writing these to simply comfort me instead of actually finding the reason for my hurting.

I have hope for new beginnings...
but I also wouldn't mind if this was the ending.

- LaDonna
7/29/2023