𝐒𝐡𝐢𝐟𝐭

What do you see when you look at me?

Who am I outside of who I try to be?

Outside of what I try to achieve?

God I feel like I'm changing.

Not just within a few months or weeks but the slightest change could happen within any minute of heavy feeling and affect the greatest thing in my living.

I wish I could stop the time.

Take a moment and think about what it is I truly need.. where I want to be. No outside voices, or ears listening.

Just me.

Maybe that's the problem.

I'm just focusing on "me, me, me."

Lord I've really been trying to consult with you about these serious decision makings and I won't say but because it'll take away the affect of my last saying.

It's simply that statement.

I didn't know what felt like the right thing would make me feel pain.

People are judging me God.

Trying to change my mind and make me be what they'd like me to be.

I'm scared.

That maybe what they want for me is better than what I see, more knowledgeable and worthy.

I thought I was slowly figuring this out piece by piece but I guess theirs still confusion in who I am and what I'm meant to be.

God.. I hope you know that with all this poetry, it's simply just me expressing my feelings to you in my best capability.

Pouring my heart out with every word written.

I wish I could read the book of my life and make sure I'm following the correct path and going along with the time you've sentenced.

I wonder how depression creeped in on me when I thought this decision would make me the happiest...

The devil sure knows how to steal my smile.

Dim my shine and demolish my pride.

I don't believe I was living a lie.. pushing myself to crazy limits and succeeding even with the smallest glimpse of joy.

I do know I don't want that to be the way I win.

Is that the only way I can win?

Through a near death experience.

With every inch of pain I endured, death waited in the threshold of my door, awaiting for me to give in and bury every ounce of "toughness" I'd tried to form.

Opening my mouth to speak out against those who belittle me for trying to find a better way to go about things feels like theirs clawing at my cheeks and gnawing of my teeth.

Resistance takes over me and I am filled with a fire to stand up for myself and a fear of stepping down from any challenge.

Life is the ultimate challenge,
and the ways of going about it.

Please don't make me feel bad for choosing peace.. please don't whisper and gossip about my change as if it's not based and set from pain.

I'm not trying to fall back, im trying to take a moment to breathe, enjoy the scene to better continue in future moving.

I wish being me was easy.

I don't feel like a normal teen.

and at one point I didn't think it was a bad thing.. I don't so much now, but my perspective is sort of changing.

I don't seek to be normal.

Better understood, yes.

Supported in full, yes.

I don't want to take anything for granted.. but it seems I have been.

My smile and perseverance taken as if it could never leave.. as if my body is some maximum strength machine.. they seemed to be confused when I became overly consumed.

"God."

"......"

"Is there anybody listening?"

- LaDonna
10/4/2023