𝐒𝐡𝐢𝐟𝐭

Where does it end?

Firm or fixed intention to achieve a desired end.

I am determined.

Making decisions that I hope will better impact my future and set me in a position for stable living.

I am determined.

Carrying a book bag full of college books through my high school in the year twelve, I carry these books as a showcase of the weight on my shoulders from pushing myself day to day while my mental and emotional state slowly breaks.

I am... determined?

Something I was once so sure about is leaving me with a million questions.

A million reasons to make me feel less then.

A million reasons for me to dive in and get it right and another ten million for me to have a break and take flight.

I am tired.

I've worked my behind off for eight consecutive years straight, settling for nothing less than first place, every award, achievement, honor roll ribbon and or certificate.

and still, I feel as if my brain is empty while it spins me in circles, racing with worries beyond infinity.

Doubt.

The thing that chases me even when I feel as if I'm doing everything correctly.

Creeping up the back of my neck and hovering over me as I fill in the blanks on a test.. gripping at my throat, disrupting my speech as I stand in front of the class trying to represent everything that was taught, my words stuck and caught.

I am afraid.

Scared to do the wrong thing.

Scared to make the wrong call.

It's hard to stand tall when you've been on your feet for so long... not a hunch in your back or a skip in your stride, walking along a straight line that's supposed to be the way to success is more like picking a more ensured way to live a life full of stress for security in receiving a degree.

I've come this far so why not stop until I'm complete?

Of course they say it doesn't matter, they'll love me the same either way, but it's not them I'm afraid of disappointing.

It's me.

Can I still look at myself the same for backing down from yet another challenge?

Can I hold myself up when I see everyone else excelling and I've made my decision to step away?

Is this only a rough patch or a build up of pain?

I don't want to give up.

Im afraid I can't keep up.

Im stuck in between two decisions and each makes me feel as if I could throw up.

Literally sick to my tummy... this is the ordinary, so what's so different now?

Why is my frown somehow making me more upset than it used to?

Fixing my crown isn't as easy.

Getting enough sleep is like a luxury.

Expressing my feelings only confuses me.

Living this way... is draining.

When you're young.. you usually have these great big ideas and dreams about where you're going to end up and what you want to be.. and from the moment I decided on my destiny, I've been chasing everything to get me there.

I've bled.

Cried.

Was poor in health and I still tried to strive.

and it's all led me to see that I don't control my own destiny.

With either choice I make... the enemy has a plan, and he may think he's winning, he may thinks he's got one over on me.. but little does he know, I'm exactly where God wants me to be.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

I've done my absolute best.
I just pray that God finishes the rest.

- LaDonna
9/28/2023