Cherries

Chapter 15

Summer

My call goes to voicemail again.

I've been trying to get a hold of her for two days. I really need to talk to her. She's clearly busy with other things, so I don't bother her with another message. She'll see the missed call, so I'll leave it at that.

It makes me nervous. Apprehensive. Unsure.

I'm doing my best to try and sort through my feelings but I'm failing spectacularly. The kiss. And everything Adam. At first, I certainly didn't want to discuss this with Nikki, but I just can't trust myself to be able to make good decisions. That man is just doing things to me, awakening feelings I never thought I'd want or welcome to feel again. My anxiety is spinning like an out of control carnival ride, screaming at me that this is all going to spiral down and bring everyone down with it.

I'm engaged even though my fiancé is dead. I'm in love with a ghost, but my heart is so battered with grief there's barely anything worthy left. I have a soulmate, but my spirit is being pulled towards another man.

Am I then really just using Adam? My crutch? The person I rely on when things go wrong? Nikki says I'm making great progress but I'm hardly doing anything on my own. Does that even mean it counts? Probably not. Take Adam and Nikki out of the picture and I'm just as lost and useless as I was before. Not stronger. Not resilient. Not independently taking control of my mental health. Not in control of a damn thing.

A message comes through on my phone. It's Nikki.

I'm at a 3 day conference out of town. Talk when I get back or do you need me now? Luvya x

Her career is surging ahead as planned. She's busy and professional and amazing at what she does. People respect her, rely on her, admire her. She's confident, assertive and clearly knows where she's headed and how to get there. I shouldn't be burdening her with my ridiculous insecurities that any other competent adult would be able to handle themselves.

I reply to her txt.

It's nothing. See you later x

The next day I decide an extra session at Blackhawk might clear my head. Adam will be there, but he has been particularly busy over the last week with new clients and overseeing designs for his planned expansion. Besides, we haven't exactly talked about that kiss and what it all fucking means, so I'm okay with him being too busy. I'm not really in the best headspace for that conversation anyway. Sounds perfectly healthy to just keep avoiding for the next while.

I head for the change rooms first, but Adam spots me and heads my way. My hands are fidgety and my neck feels flushed. I can't believe I'm so nervous, those jitters reminding me of when I first stepped foot in here. So there it is again - I'm right back at the beginning with zero fucking progress.

"Hey," that gorgeous deep voice of his bounces around my head. I look up to him apprehensively, but he seems happy to see me. Not sure why, when I've basically ghosted him since that kiss without any good reason.

I give him a small smile, the guilt of my silence towards him weighing heavily on me.

"Feel like a run at the park? I've got about twenty minutes?" I nod and he smiles, moving slowly closer to me, gently taking my hand. He leans in close to my ear.

"I missed you mia piccola ladra," he says quietly and brushes his soft lips across my cheek.

I can feel my face flush but I can't take my eyes off the floor. How did I get here? What happened to the confident me from only a few nights ago? I closed the gap between us, giving no doubt about what I wanted and that I wouldn't have any regrets about that kiss. So, why can't I even look him in the eye? Useless.