Cherries

Chapter 21

Summer

Everything feels uncomfortable.

The scratchy feel of the hospital gown aggravates my skin, the disgusting paper panties don't feel much better. My shoulder hurts and aches, throbbing hour after hour, the pain meds providing some relief but at the same time, renders me feeling nauseous and disoriented. I'm still cuffed to the bed and been forced through the humiliation of pissing in a pan, the courts deeming me too much of a threat to not be restrained.

Someone knocks at my door. My lawyer. More news to add to my fucking discomfort I'm sure. She's not one to sugarcoat the situation and gets straight to the point. She informs me that given my current state, my court hearing will be done online. I'm almost guaranteed of a conviction. The prosecutor initially applied for attempted murder, but Holly argued vehemently citing my mental health in the months leading up to that day, as well as the day itself. The anguish and harassment by those murders didn't go unnoticed by the court. So, I'm facing a charge of assault with a deadly weapon, but that I was under extreme mental pressure and in an unbalanced state at the time. I will most likely be sentenced to an extended period of time in Silver Burch Hospital in the hope that I can benefit from the rehabilitation offered. It's still an incarceration but at least it's not jail. And in all honesty, perhaps that's where I need to be, that's where my journey is headed.

I blink back more tears.

Not in despair at where I'm probably going to spend the next year's of my life, but of shame. What would my Finn think of me now? .... And Adam?...At how useless I've become. At how desperate and stupid my actions were. At how pointless I am to those around me. I used those people around me, who cared for me, and I thoughtlessly wasted all the efforts they'd ever made to help me... for what? So I could wave a deadly weapon and fire it, thinking I was fulfilling some sort of crazy vendetta. I'm no better than those murderers when it all comes down to it. The only thing I'm sure of, that I can firmly believe in, that it's the right thing, is that I'm not dragging anyone else along with me for this. Well, not dragging them along anymore than I already have.

There's a steady knock at my door, a few seconds pause, and then Adam pushes the door open and steps in. His phone is wedged between his ear and his broad shoulder, as he looks at me apologetically.

"It's mum...," he whispers to me and with that beautiful smile he playfully rolls his eyes. I just stare at him. Drawn in to how drastically handsome he is, with little effort on his part. I want to study him, with him conveniently distracted by the phone, this is probably my last and only chance to do so.

"I know that mum. Yes, I'll tell her," he is patiently listening to his mum, slowly walking around the small space in this shithole of a hospital room.

"Yes mum, of course I will." As his deep voice echoes around the room, it reminds me of how comforting that rumbling sound has always felt to me. I will miss it. I will miss him. I wish we had more time. I wish I could have held him longer. I wish I could have been better for him. Perhaps I can be...one day... but I would never expect him to wait for me. Maybe we might be lucky enough to have our time together again in the future, but for now, I need to push him as far away as possible, so that he can have clarity and a chance to focus on his own path, without my problems and imminent incarceration weighing him down.

"Bye mum. Talk soon." He turns around and faces me and I allow myself a few more fleeting moments to admire those gorgeous eyes, that stunning face and that beautiful smile.

I know I'll never find another like you again. Thank you for being in my life and my heart. I never thought I'd have a chance to feel love again. I'm sorry that I've let you down but I can't let you follow me anymore, especially to the hell I'm about to live.

"I can't do this anymore... with you," I convincingly force myself to look into his eyes.

"What...? Summer...?" His face falls and he reaches for my hand on the bed. I pull it away immediately.

Please, please don't touch me. It will break me even more.

"This... Adam. Whatever this was. It's finished." I wave my hand vaguely between the two of us.

"What...? You can't mean that...Summer? What's happened...? Whatever it is, we can work it out...together. I'm here. Please let me help..." he stares at me pleading me with those eyes. I look away, ashamed again that I am so unworthy.

"You can't help. Not anymore." I take a deep breath and steady myself.

"What do you mean?" His confusion and desperation is growing.

"You can't help me! I'm on my own in this! Just me! I'm about to be sent away Adam! For a fucking long time!" I shout at him.

He shakes his head and tries to take my hand again but I don't let him. "I know what you're trying to do. Pushing me away. I won't let you Summer. I can't."

"That's not up to you! In a few days I'll be sentenced. A convicted fucking felon... incarcerated. I'll be damned if I allow you to get dragged into this mess. It's my life. It's my mess," I shake my head and stare down at my hands, the shame choking my throat and tears seep from the corners of my eyes.

"Please Summer... don't do this. I know it will be hard but I won't give up on you. On us. I know you feel it too. What we have. It doesn't have to be over. I won't let it. I've never felt like this before and...I...I can see a future with you. We just have to get through this bit together...please," his tears start flowing too and it's breaking my heart. I didn't want to have to do this, but I know I have to.

"You said you'd never hurt me Adam. But you are. By not letting me have this control over my own decisions."

He doesn't allow me to pull away this time and he takes my hand in his. His thumb runs over my knuckles and he brings it up to his soft lips, pressing kisses as he tries to comprehend what I'm saying.

"You're afraid," he whispers quietly. "It's okay to be afraid. I am too. But please don't do this. Please..."

"Please...Adam... just go." I yank my hand from his.

"No. I'm not going. You can't even look me in the eyes and tell me. You..c-can't," the heartbreak and pain and frustration boils over.

"It's over. Get out," I try and say as forcefully as I can. This is for his own good. For his own future.

"No."

"Get out! Get out! Get out!" I scream as I press the emergency button on the console next to my bed. Alarms buzz loudly and there's the sound of pounding feet as my door is suddenly flung open by nurses, the doctor and the police guard. They push passed Adam and he is forcibly removed from the room but all I can hear is him yelling my name, pleading with me, but I can't do that. I have to give him up so he can have that chance to move forward.

My heart is hurting as the pain of yet another loss in my life hits me hard.

I think about Finn and I think about Adam and in both cases I was just never ready to say goodbye. But I had to. At least Adam's life can go on and this gives me a small amount of comfort knowing that his generous heart still beats and has the chance to care for another, just like he cared for me.