Grape Juice (By the Border, #1) ✓

17

To Novah Valeria,

Dis oras na ng gabi pero hindi ko magawang matulog. Even songs didn't help drown the voices—the one inside my head and yours. Your sickeningly sweet voice. Parang may sirang plakang pinilit na ipasok sa ulo ko at paulit-ulit kong pinapakinggan ang sikretong binunyag mo kanina. I can't close my eyes either because I keep seeing the green specks in yours. Mabuti nang sulatan ka ng bagong liham bago ako mabaliw sa katahimikang bumabalot sa kwarto ko.

Is it bad to think that you're the reason why I'm conflicted right now? I don't like this. I don't like my situation, Mom's, or yours.

The line is blurry right now, and you are to blame. Matagal ko nang pinaghahandaan ang huling plano ko, at ilang gabing tulog nalang ang kailangan ko para matapos iyon. I already made up my mind. The only thing left to wait for is my birthday. My death day.

Pero nalalabuan na ako sa lahat.

You told me the truth already. Maybe you can tell me why I'm hesitating to kill myself now.

***

Maaga akong lumabas sa aking kwarto para mag-ayos. Of course I did. I hardly slept.

Sanay na ako sa masasamang panaginip. I was used to waking up with beads of sweat and short breaths after what would seem like hours of being stuck in nightmares. I'd go on about my day without anyone suspecting what happened.

Ngunit kakaiba ang nakita ko kagabi. Pakiramdam kong totoong nangyari iyon, at hanggang ngayon ay tumataas ang aking balahibo sa naisip. I was in the north border with Novah when the wind suddenly swept him away, throwing his helpless body into the sea. Then I suffocated. My lungs filled with water. Still, I had the strength to run towards the sea to look for him. Nang makaapak ako sa magaspang na buhangin sa dalampasigan, hindi na ako nasasakal. I hurriedly breathed in the salty air, frantically searching for signs of him, only to end up with nothing.

Novah didn't resurface.

My nightmares often left an impression on parts of my body—a bruise, a cut, a deep wound—and though imaginary, I believed they existed, even for a few painful seconds.

This time, it felt nothing short of empty, nothing like the sea in my dream.

Binilisan ko ang pagligo at pagluto ng umagahan ni Mama, at umalis nang hindi pa gising ang kalangitan. I crossed the school gates with a stoic demeanor—unassuming and masked with lies.

There was no need to rush. They wouldn't be here until later, just mere minutes before classes would begin. Hindi ko pa nga alam kung anong gagawin o sasabihin ko kapag nakita ko si Novah.

Ask him to die with you, the voice taunted. Baka iyon ang remedyo sa pagiging miserable mo. Pilitin mo siyang sagutin ka ng oo.

I already had come to terms with accepting that the voice was the loudest when he wasn't with me. Wala akong ginawa para itigil ang mga bulong nito ngayon dahil hindi rin ito makikinig sa akin. It was also enough to block the taunts from my classmates who deemed it fun to cut my earphones earlier. Pinanood nila akong itapon iyon sa basurahan at iwan sila nang hindi gumagawa ng eksena. That was all they waited for all this time. I had no time for their nonsense before, I had none even now. Not when all I could think about was what to do or say around Novah.

I kept close watch on the ticking arms of the clock above the chalkboard. A minute went by, and another, and another. Ang isang minuto ay naging sampu, dalawangpu, tatlongpu, at bago ko pa ito napagtanto, ilang segundo nalang ang hinintay ng lahat para tumunog ang bell.

Hindi ko pa nakita si Kenzie na pumasok.

Nagtawag na si Mrs. Grey ng mga pangalan para sa aming morning attendance. I stared at the empty chair next to me, almost missing our teacher shouting Santiago repeatedly. Pero hindi iyon ang umabala sa akin. Attendance was too far down the long list of worries I had.