Game of Fate

The Big Night (Pt. 2)

Quick TW and A/N: Mentions of abuse, mental breakdown, self harm. Additionally, i wrote this breakdown scene to the lana song i linked. i think it helps capture the pure female rage displayed in this chapter if you wanna give it a listen while reading, it enhances the experience :)

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I rushed my way to the bathroom, not bothering to slow down. I could hear Celine calling after me but I didn't care. I could feel the back of my eyes heating up and my vision got blurry. I slammed the bathroom door open and locked it behind me. I couldn't hold it in anymore, between the stress of today and things between me and Tom, I'm falling apart. Danica was the last fucking straw.

I sank down, sliding my back against the door to the floor. I was crying heavily now, face tucked into my knees and balling my hair in my fists. I was heaving, snotting, crying. Why was this happening to me? Why did I feel this way? I was so confused and angry and upset. I whacked my head against the back of the door repeatedly in frustration, still sobbing. The events of the past days came flooding into my mind and I was trying to beat them out of my head.

"Watch where the fuck you're going!"

That guy's fist coming at me.

"You bitch!"

"It was just a one time thing, right?"

"I dedicate this song to a VERY special man here tonight.."

I screamed. So loud you would've thought I was being murdered.

All these thoughts swarmed my head, I couldn't even see straight. I hit myself in the head over and over, I couldn't stop. I was mentally breaking. I was tired. Tired of being on the road, tired of being abused and treated like shit, tired of Tom. I felt my world crumbling out from under me, it felt like slipping into a void where nobody could hear my cries and pleads. I felt disgusted with myself, ashamed. I gave myself to him, my all. He saw me at my weakest moments, crying in his arms and then laying next to him after letting him inside of me. Then he left.

 I was never enough. Only ever enough to be beat on and then discarded. Nothing more. Now I was expected to go on and put on a show like nothing happened, like how I was feeling didn't matter. I couldn't keep up with this life, I needed a break. I wanted to vanish.

I continued to sob on the floor when I heard banging on the door. It was Celine yelling my name.

"Open the door!" she begged. "Talk to me...please." 

Every part of me wanted to scream at her. Yell and cry and tell her to get the fuck away from me. Tell her I'm done with her and this stupid band. But I couldn't do that to her. She was my best friend. All that I had. She didn't do anything wrong, I can't take this out on her. I reluctantly stood up and opened the door, still struggling to catch my breath in between sobs.

She looked at me and I could see the worry and tears brimming in her eyes. She hugged me, held me tighter than she ever has before. I cried into her shoulder, slumping my weight onto her, unable to stand straight on my own anymore.

"God, what happened to you?" she asked.

She let go of me and stepped into the bathroom, locking the door behind her. I took a seat on the sink, trying to calm myself down. She waited patiently, giving me my time before I was ready to talk to her.

When I was able to calm my cries to sniffles, I told her everything. How tired I was of being on the road constantly and how I couldn't sleep. About the crush, the guitar session, the movie, the food, what happened in the club. I told her all about how the memories of my ex have risen to the surface after what happened and how I opened up to Tom, how I slept with him just for him to leave me right after. She sat quietly and listened until I was done my rambling.