Together

55. Always has to be in control

This is a song about somebody else
So don't worry yourself, worry yourself
The devils right there, right there in the details
And you don't wanna hurt yourself, hurt yourself
Looking too closely
-Fink

JJ hadn't ever sleepwalked. He's hallucinated off of bad weed he got from his cousin Ricky a couple of times, but he couldn't be high right now. He wouldn't risk that in front of Kie's parents.

But if he wasn't high and he wasn't sleepwalking, how the fuck was he staring into the face of his old man. It had to be a dream. Or a nightmare. But nightmares with his father always involved thrown fists and screaming. The man before him did none of that, so this must be real.

Luke looked the same but different, just a little older but there was no mistaking him. Blue eyes, not unlike his own, the silver in his hair more pronounced, a little rougher looking as evidenced by the increase in lines on his face and slouch to his posture. Like being on the run wasn't as easy as laying around his old shack getting drunk.

JJ hasn't seen him in over a year, after he'd helped him escape the island, for good, he thought.

JJ wondered if he looked different to Luke. If he noticed the healthy weight he's gained back from the consistent meals he was fed, or the lack of bruising because he lived with someone who had never so much as lifted a finger at him. How his clothes didn't have holes and his shoes fit, not needing to stretch into a too small pair because Shoupe went out of his way to notice JJ's needs and met them without JJ really needing to ask. Does he see how much better his life has gotten?

Luke's never been one for giving a shit about JJ in general, so to expect him to comment, let alone notice, how different things were for him since he left was a pipe dream in of itself.

"Where you been, boy," Luke cooed, eyes squinting at him like he was ten years old and had run off for longer than he should without checking in. Like his father really cared about his wellbeing or where he's been.

He wants to scream at him. Remind him that he left him behind. Took off to Yucatan or Orinoco or wherever that fucking yacht was able to carry him before he couldn't stand to be without the pills JJ stole and dumped when he wasn't looking.

The longer he stands there the more he feels his body screaming at him to get away from the danger. Despite all the work he's done in therapy, all the healing he's made happen himself, it changes nothing with regard to how his body physically reacts to Luke. It remembers everything, and he doesn't feel safe.

His mind wants to zone out, afraid that something bad is going to happen and wanting to protect itself. Often when Luke would beat him all he could do was take it, too small to fight back. Eventually his mind would shut off until it was over. He can feel that desire to let it go and just go on autopilot creep up.

He swallows hard and thinks back to the safety plan he worked on with Dani, never thinking he would ever need to use it. They talked about what his reaction may be if he ever saw Luke again, and then what he could do to manage it.

"You may feel detached," Dani warned. "Especially if it's unexpected. But you'll need to keep yourself centered to better the odds that you'll stay safe. What would help you ground yourself in that moment?"

JJ looks at Luke but focuses on the way his feet feel in his boots. He curls his toes, forcing himself to notice the way they feel tight and then relax when he lets them go. A feeling of relief from the small movement makes him feel like he's in more control than he thought.

He can feel himself coming down. This is real, and he can't detach himself from it. He needs to stay present to keep himself safe. The danger is real, he knows that.