Together

125. Rebuke

I'm watching myself
Drifting away
A vision so darkened
I cannot stay
I'm, reaching out wide
Tryna catch myself before I fall
Too little too late
Can you save me?
-RAIGN

Nothing to lose.

What a bunch of bullshit.

JJ's mind is flying as he races through the roads from his house to the Wreck. He's long since passed Mike in his truck, though that definitely pissed the older guy off with the move he had to do to get around him. He didn't care though. Didn't matter at what Mike Carrera was bothered by at the moment.

Kie still hasn't responded to any of his messages and with every passing second he feels like his airways are closing up. The sinking feeling in his gut grows, no matter how many times he tells himself that it's fine. She wasn't responding because she didn't have her phone on her. It's simple.

He repeatedly tells himself that he's going to run into the Wreck and see her wiping down bar bottles, giving him a weird look as he trips into the establishment. She'll wonder aloud why he looks so flustered and then smile when he breathlessly walks his way over, confused but happy in his embrace.

He tells himself he'll hold on to her, smell her hair, memorize the feel of her body against his, and he won't let her go until she complains of the need for oxygen.

Cause, God, he's terrified right now.

The normal feeling that most people get, the belief that things are fine. The assumption that "nothing bad ever happens" is not something JJ has the luxury of feeling. Things generally do not work out for him. That's the history anyway, even prompting the life moto.

Nothing to lose.

He's said it more than a few dozen times over the last couple years. Believed it at the time. It was true after all. He didn't have anything, really.

What did he have, a house with an abusive dick of a father? A mother that ran out the first chance she got and he has never seen since? Job after useless, low paying, job that he couldn't help but get fired from. Or a reputation that followed him before he was even out of the womb?

Nah. He didn't have shit. Literally nothing he could do that would make people see him differently or treat him fairly. He never got the benefit of the doubt. That's why nothing to lose was so appealing.

It gave him a license to do whatever the fuck he wanted. Who cared if he got caught stealing? Luke wasn't gonna feed him. Who cared about ditching school, wasn't like he was gonna do more than a permanent residency at the Marina after graduation. Who honestly gave a shit if he did half the reckless crap he did. Not like his life mattered.

He believed all of that for a long time. That he was worthless. That he had nothing. That he was nothing.

Then Luke left, and he really had nothing. As shitty a dad as Luke was, he was still his father. Still the one that picked him up from the Sheriffs station, bonded him out. Still the one that offered him a beer when he brought the drug money back. Still the one that stuck around when his mom split.

He's not forgetting about everything that happened after all that either. Believe him, he's definitely not.

But watching Luke leave him, even after how horrible he was to him his entire life, was the hardest thing he's ever done. He felt his father's hands be gentle. Heard his voice be soft. Like he was always capable of being that way and chose not to. And then he just walked out like everyone else.