Together

35. Goodnight JJ

Oh if you're hearin' this
I must have made it through
Oh if you're hearin' this
I see the sky's still blue
-Andrew Belle

"How are you doing?" Kie asks JJ as they sit on the dock at the chateau. She was checking in on him. She's been doing that ever so subtly lately.

JJ always clocked it. Knowing it had to do with his therapy sessions made it feel a little weird at first but over time he's come to appreciate her and Shoupe's casual check ins.

It's been another couple weeks and JJ has had a few appointments with Dani. God, therapy was like a mental work out. He knew he hated thinking about all the shit that has went down with his dad but fuck. He didn't think he'd be so exhausted by talking about it.

The first appointment Dani just wanted him to talk to her about what the nightmares were about. He relayed the reoccurring dream of the first time Luke hit him. He even let it slip that the way Kie's dad grabbed him made him feel like it was happening all over again.

Dani was able to explain that his body was triggered by the action and his mind was trying to process it but was stuck on it, unable to let it go. Thus, he was having nightmares and anxious thoughts and panic attacks.

"How do I get it to stop?" he asked.

"We need to talk about your beliefs about it. Memories and experiences send us certain messages. When we get symptoms like nightmares and anxiety, the message usually isn't truthful. We need to figure out the correct message."

"What do you mean?"

Dani paused, but didn't give him any look he could read. She was good at that. Talking to him without giving away her own thoughts or feelings. Honestly, it made it easier to tell her things. It didn't feel like she was judging the situation and he didn't have to worry about how she felt about it. Even better, she never came off like she was pitying him.

"A lot of people who have been through traumatic experiences feel like it was their fault," she explains. "It's a normal body reaction. If something is our fault then we can avoid it in the future, right? Kinda like, if you got hit by a bus it could be because you didn't look before going into the street. That's something you could do to prevent it in the future."

JJ nods his head. He often felt like that. He could admit that sometimes he didn't know why Luke beat him, but he couldn't help but feel like he did it for a reason. That he could have avoided it somehow.

"The problem is, you didn't get hit by a bus because you weren't looking," Dani continues with the metaphor. "You were pushed."

JJ frowns. Logically he knows Luke shouldn't have hit him. It just doesn't feel true though. Maybe he could have done something to prevent it...

"Thinking you can stop someone from doing something, is the lie our mind tells us when it's stuck on the event," she says. "The truth is, we can't control another persons actions. There was nothing you could do to stop what happened, JJ. When we get you to believing the truth, we should see your symptoms decrease."

They've been spending sessions since working on his thought processes trying to accomplish exactly that. It was a lot.

JJ stares at the marsh. "Dani wasn't kidding when we she said it'd be hard," he answers.

"Who the fuck is Dani?" John B asks as he, Sarah, and Pope walk up the dock, joining them on the bench.

JJ sees Kie glance to him. He hasn't told the rest of the Pogues about therapy. Dani didn't say he needed to tell anyone, but she was clear that he needed to accept help and lean on others when he needed it.