Together

58. Mad he lied or mad he cares?

I shout, I swear, I get angry, I get scared
I fall, I brake, I mess up, I make mistakes
But if you can't take me at my worst
You don't deserve me at my best
-Machine Gun Kelly, Hailee Steinfeld

"Are you sure you're not being too harsh on him?" Kie asks tentatively.

They were on the HMS Pogue, just the two of them. They've stopped in the marsh, throwing lines over the side to see if anything would catch. Well, JJ was fishing, Kie was trying to reason with him about the cold shoulder he was giving Shoupe over his keeping Luke's arrest from him and desire for a protections order.

Darcy said that she would need a few days to file for it and that because Luke had been gone for so long, it may not even go through. He hadn't made any attempts to harm JJ presently and JJ wasn't willing to go on record about his abuse in the past.

And though Dani had made good on her promise that she would report child abuse back to Darcy, she refused to supply his session notes as evidence, stating it would kill the therapeutic relationship she had built with him. Her obligation was fulfilled by simply reporting it occurred.

He'd never been more grateful and pissed at the same time, but he couldn't be mad at her. She was clear from the beginning that she is quote, "Not going to lose her license to keep child abuse a secret."

"He lied to me Kie," JJ counters. "Like straight up, didn't tell me once that Luke was around. Why would he do that?"

"I'm not saying that what he did was okay, Jayj," she says, coming to stand beside him. "Just, if he's talking about protection orders and wanting you to stay away from the chateau it just seems like..." she trails off, trying to find out the words.

"What?" he asks, questioningly.

"Like he's scared, JJ," she lets out. "I think you're forgetting that not everyone is as used to you being treated like that than you are."

It's true. JJ forgets that people care. That people don't find it normal. It's not something that everyone wants to run from. It's why teachers kept making reports and why doctors called DCS. It's why Shoupe opened his home to him. Because he deserved better than he was getting from Luke and Shoupe isn't ready to let JJ go back to it. It felt like between the two of them, Kie was the only one that saw that.

"He's known a while," JJ retorts. "Didn't have any problem throwing around those fucking x-rays. Pretty much put 'em on a silver platter for all of Kildare County Court to see. Fucking ridiculous," he scoffs.

Kie gives him a soft look. He's casting another line and furiously reeling it in, not really trying hard to catch anything with that approach and he knows it. He's just worked up.

"Are you mad that he lied to you, or are you mad he cares?"

The line stills. Kie's glad they're on the HMS. At least he can't bail. Talking about his feelings wasn't something he was always the best at, but therapy had pushed him, and she knew he could handle this, if he wanted to.

She watches him take a quick breath, fidgeting with his hat. He looks at her, putting aside the line and seating himself on the front of the bow. He gazes out at the marsh.

"Both, probably," he confesses.

It felt weird to admit but he was angry that Shoupe cared this much. Over time he'd gotten used to the deputy's claims of affection and spoken assurances that he was welcome but they were nonetheless foreign to him. He still struggles to accept it, not having a father that gave love unconditionally the way Shoupe appeared to.

What was gonna happen if Shoupe didn't think he was worth it? Or when JJ turned eighteen and could live on his own. Would he want to let him stay or would he cut his losses once his responsibilities were complete?