Together

24. Second stage of grief

Until we meet again
Cause this is not the end
It will come a day
When we will find our way
Violins playin' and the angels cryin'
When the stars align then I'll be there
-Loreen

Kiara remembers Pope researching grief when Big John went missing. John B was torn up over it and they needed some idea of how to help him. He had taught them all the stages and discussed ways to help him manage it.

There were five stages. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then you get to acceptance. Pope made it sound so logical and complicated.

But grief isn't a complicated emotion for Kiara. You loose something and you mourn it. It's not that hard to understand really. It makes perfect sense. If something was important then you'd feel it when it's gone.

And goddamn it. Kiara feels it.

The summer sun beats down on the top of her head. The warmth is starting to burn as she sits motionless against the siding of Shoupe's house but she barely registers it. It's nothing compared to the hole in her chest. Pain alternates between her stomach and heart, taking turns throwing blows but never relenting.

She has no idea how long she's been sitting outside JJ's window. She tastes salt and realizes that her tears are running into her mouth as she tries to find air to fill her lungs.

No. Grief isn't complicated for Kiara. The reasons for grief though. Now that is complicated. Especially now. Because Kiara didn't have to lose anything. She didn't need to lose him. But she did. She lost him. She lost JJ.

No. She didn't lose him. He was taken from her.

She stands on shaky knees, putting a hand on the home to steady herself, body feeling the ache from being motionless for too long. Her mind tries to sort out what's happened. Her previous phase of denial upon seeing his room empty now being viciously replaced.

She's throws herself into the second stage of grief.  Anger. Any other emotion than loss is what she needs right now. She lets it pulse through her and she clings to it. It makes her feel stronger, it gives her purpose, it isn't senseless. Even better, her anger has a target.

Her father.

She sets her face, wiping her eyes with both hands. No more tears. She takes a breath and pretends to not feel the sharp ache in her chest. No time for that either.

Even though she knows JJ is gone, she's nowhere near accepting it. She makes her way around the home, ignoring a look from one of the neighbors that was gardening next door.

She sets out towards her own home. She doesn't run like she had to get to JJ's. She's angry but not out of control. It feels like she's boiling at the surface, still trying to come up with what could have been said to make him jump to such drastic measures.

She walks into her yard and sees her mother sitting in the patio chair, enjoying an iced tea, and reading one of her home goods magazines. She looks up when she sees Kiara come up the steps and the smile that instinctually came at seeing her daughter home is quickly erased when she is able to get an accurate look at her face.

"Kiara?" Anna questions. Kiara doesn't stop, she just opens the door and heads inside not bothering to shut it. "Kiara, what's wrong?" her mother's tone concerned as she follows her inside.

Kiara doesn't acknowledge her. She walks through the kitchen and heads towards her father's home office. She pushes open the French doors. He's not home. Perfect.