𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠

chapter 36

KANE

Mindlessly staring at the tv, my fingers tap against my knee, itching, aching, to grab the bottle of beer that's sat on the table. It's right there. All i have to do is reach out and that's it.

I know they left it by purpose. It's the only one left. it wasn't here yesterday.

Grunting, i dig my teeth into my lips and snatch my eyes away from the drink, and glue them to the tv. I try my best to focus on watching Sponge Bob Square pants.

It's silent in the house. It's been silent for years. I just hadn't realised.

I was discharged from the hospital two weeks ago and when i came back to the house, it was clean. Someone had cleaned everything. I know who cleaned it. I'm just not ready to admit it aloud.

Clearing my throat, i turn the volume up and dig the balls of my palm into my eyes. To stop the tears. Leaning back, i kick the bottle away and relish in the sound it makes when it smashes against the floor. I keep my hands there and breathe sharply.

What have i done to myself?

The door slams open and i freeze. Just like i always do. Not moving, my ears perk up and i listen to whoever's entered my—the house. They walk towards the kitchen. I can hear bags crinkle.

The lights turn on and then it's silent for a few moments. As if they've frozen. The movements start up again. I hear them opening drawers in the kitchen and make themself at home in the kitchen.

I don't move. Every bone in my body is tense, but i just dig my hands harder and feel light headed at the colour spots that begin to appear. She walks around the kitchen and i know she's making me breakfast. Just like she does every day.

It's fucking 9:30am and she's here, making me breakfast.

I drop my hands into my lap and just blankly stare at the tv, ears finally giving up on listening. I stare, stare, stare and stare.

The smell off fresh eggs fill my nostrils, and i start to feel sick. My stomach rumbles and churns. This happens every time. Clenching and unclenching my jaw, my legs fall to the floor and i lean my elbows on my knees, slightly rocking.

My body is practically shaking. I'm aching to smoke, drink or have a pill, or have something. Just something to take the edge off.

I'm two weeks clean, and that's only because i haven't left the house and they've cleaned out everything i owned.

My ears strain when i hear her footsteps walking towards me. She rounds the sofa and walks beside me, making sure to miss the glass on the floor. She sighs when she sees it. Setting the plate on the table, she grabs the remote, puts the volume down, and changes the channel.

She puts on the famous Mrs Doubtfire.

One of her favourite movies she liked watching with me. Head filling with memories, i look away from the tv and instead at the plate, blowing out my cheeks.

Eggs, beans and bread. She walks past me, and i hold my breathe so i don't have to smell her scent. Isabelle comes back with orange juice. She puts it down next the plate. I don't dare look at her.

Isabelle moves to walk past me again, and this time i don't hold my breathe. I breathe in deeply, eyes unconsciously falling shut. Shit. Smells like home.

My eyes snap open when i hear the sound of glass clinking together, and i look out the corner off my eyes to see her brushing up the mess i made. My heart cracks. I guess it's still beating.

What am i doing to her.

She cleans up the mess and then walks back to the kitchen, to grab her stuff, and then walks behind me. The hair on my neck stand up, and i feel a shiver run through my spine. Just like always, she leans down and leaves a kiss on my head, ruffling it right after, like always.

"Eat." She mutters, and i mouth the words with her. I can feel her watching, but i know she knows i won't eat, won't breathe, won't move until she leaves. She knows. I can feel her staring at the back of my head for a few seconds, before she finally turns and walks out the house.

I let go of the breathe i was holding. Holding my nose, i lean forward and eat the food she's made me. The food i don't deserve to eat. She's giving me time i don't deserve.

It feels like a chore to put the food in my mouth, chew it and swallow. My hands are shaking with each bite. My teeth and gums ache and feel weak. I deserve this. Glad my dad can't see me right now.

After i finish the food, i get up with the plate in my hand and my knee hits the edge of the table. It's a sharp pain and something ticks inside me. Some type of rage. Without even thinking, i turn to my left, and smash the plate against the wall, watching it break into tiny pieces. A trail of beans swipe down slowly, making me feel like shit.

I know Isabelle feels guilty. I know Thomas and Marcus think i'm a fucking wreck and i don't deserve her, and they're right, but i don't stop her. I don't open my mouth. And i never apologise.

I'm such a shitty person.

I fall to the sofa and sigh. I want to die. Let me fucking die.