THE CROWDED MARRIAGE

Chapter 16

Filoah Anne Romero
-present-

Did Ivory really fall for me?

I couldn't help but ask that question to myself. I just suddenly doubted the five-year relationship that I had with Ivory.

I only got information from the media or the internet... but the more I dig deeper... the more I realized how Ivory's love for me is shallow.

Let's say he cared for me, but that was it. I think he never loved me the way I loved him so deeply. He didn't love me the way I could sacrifice myself for him. He didn't love me the way I accepted all of him. He never loved me enough to fight for me.

Naalala ko na ako yung first girlfriend ni Ivory. Naalala ko yung pananaw niya at kung paano niya tignan ang pagmamahal. Ginagawa niya lang kung ano ang ginagawa ko para sa kanya.

Ivory thinks that love is just the responsibility he chooses.

But now?

In the pictures I saw on the internet, every time he's with his wife... I can see the improvement in their relationship as a married couple now.

I know Ivory. I carved every nook of his personality, and I tattooed all his flaws within me... I accepted him, not just as a man that I loved... but I loved him wholeheartedly, even knowing that he couldn't reciprocate the intense love I gave him.

I accepted that he would never love me the way I wanted to be loved.

And now I am witnessing it myself. I am witnessing how Ivory treated Maeve as I wanted to be treated by him.

Or is it just my insecurity... alam ko naman na inalagaan at minahal din ako ni Ivory sa paraan na kaya niya... at tinanggap ko 'yon ng buong-buo.

My breathing suddenly hitched. My hand tightly gripped the phone that I was holding, while my other free hand clutched where my chest was.

It hurts.

Then I remembered my doctor's reminders. Too much is not for me. I must avoid feeling too much... whether it's happiness or sadness.

I've been consistently feeling too much sadness these past few days.

It was so hard to hold back my emotions. It's so fresh, even though it's been months since I broke up with Ivory.

Naluluha na ako nang muling nanikip ang aking dibdib. Habol-habol ko ang paghinga ko.

Kinuha ko kaagad ang inhaler... pero wala rin itong epekto. Patuloy sa pagsikip ang aking dibdib na halos parang pinupunit nito ang buo kong pagkatao.

Napatingin ako sa phone na mahigpit ko pa ring hawak.

I have no one.

That's the only thing on my mind right now.

Mariing napagat ako sa aking pang-ibabang labi nang emosyonal na nanakip ang dibdib ko. Hindi ko na malaman kung ano na ba ang masakit.

Kahit nahihirapan ay nag-scroll ako sa contact list ko at napunta ako sa pangalang iniiwasan ko.

Isabel

Ivo

Henry

The back of my mind was telling me to press Ivory's name on my contact. But when I closed my eyes to make myself rational... I called my other friend below Ivory's name.

Habang habol-habol pa rin ang aking paghinga ay tinapat ko ang phone sa kaliwang tainga ko. Narinig kong nag-ring ng ilang beses yung tinawagan ko.

"F-Filoah? Bakit ka napatawag?"