THE CROWDED MARRIAGE

Chapter 20

Filoah Anne Romero
-present-

"I love him..."

Humahagulgol ako sa harapan ng mga kaibigan ko habang paulit-ulit na sinasabing mahal na mahal ko pa rin siya.

Na-i-kuwento ko lahat kina Shynna at Henry ang tungkol sa paghihiwalay namin ni Ivory. May mga ilan lang akong tinago na hindi na kailangan pang malaman ng iba.

I didn't make Maeve or Ivory's parents villains in the way I talked about us. It was the situation... and it was my choice to break up with him. Though they hated Ivory for just leaving me that way.

But I couldn't help but cry again. It's been months, pero iniiyakan ko pa rin. Palagi na lang akong nag-re-relapse sa tuwing naalala ko yung tungkol sa amin ni Ivory.

Shynna and Henry remained silent while also sadly looking at me. They couldn't do anything, but their presence was enough.

Pinunasan ko ang aking luha, pero hindi 'yon matigil. Iba pala talaga kapag nalalabas mo yung kinikimkim mo.

"Gusto ko lang matanong..." humihikbing sabi ko.

"Go ahead." Shynna gently caressed me like she was hushing me from sobbing a lot.

"Alam kong walang choice si Ivory sa sitwasyon namin... pero... pero bakit hindi niya man lang nagawang ipaglaban yung relasyon namin?"

Huminto ako saglit para habulin ang aking paghinga ko. Nakikita ko yung pag-panic sa mga mata ng kaibigan ko.

"Bakit hindi niya ako nagawang ipaglaban... yung sa tamang paraan at yung deserve ko? Dahil ba hindi ako mayaman katulad nila? Dahil ba hindi ako successful katulad nila? Am I not worth it to fight for? Hindi ba ako kasing ganda ng mga babaeng nakapaligid sa kanya?"

I told them about my insecurities after I broke up with Ivory.

Mabilis na umiling silang dalawa.

"No. You're beautiful, Filoah. I swear, kung alam mo lang kung ilang tao na ang nagtatanong sa amin ni Henry ng pangalan mo... pero lagi ka lang focus sa career mo. And maybe you're not rich or successful like them... but we have our own kind of success, Filoah. Yung pera mo? Kayang-kaya mo nga mag-travel kahit saan na hindi mag wo-worry sa expenses mo, e. And that's enough. You can provide for yourself and could even buy your needs and wants without worrying about the money. You're already successful, Filoah," agad na sabi ni Henry.

Na-realize ko yung mga sinabi ni Henry... siguro nga tama siya. I fit society's standards when it comes to beauty, and I take care of myself. I have my own money; hindi lang sapat kundi sobra pa sa akin.

Mapait akong napangiti nang may bago akong na-realize.

"Baka dahil hindi lang talaga ako minahal ni Ivory..."

Dito natahimik sina Shynna at Henry. I could see that they were parting their lips to speak, but I couldn't find the right words.

"It's okay. You don't always have to answer me. Saka alam kong wala rin naman kayo masyadong alam sa relasyon namin ni Ivory dahil patago lang din kami noon."

Nagpatuloy ako sa pagsasalita. "Limang taon kasi 'yon e... limang taon. Naramdaman ko naman yung pagmamahal na kaya niyang ibigay sa akin... but I couldn't help but ask if I'm the easiest person to let go by someone? Kasi kahit ano pang effort at sobra-sobnag pagmamahal pa yung ipakita ko, wala pa rin e. Parang ang dali-dali akong iwanan ng iba."

Shynna and Henry commented about Ivory again. They really hate them now, but despite me ranting about him leaving me so easily... I still protected him from my friends.