Four Page Letters (TeacherxStudent)

She's Gone, But She Used to be Mine (Pt 1)

Rosalynn

I woke up this morning extremely saddened. Because I knew today was the day. The day she would leave me. And to make matters worse, I won't even be able to see her off.

I woke up just before my alarm to an empty bed. It was six am and the sun was just starting to rise. I groaned, sitting up in bed I called out to her, "Charlotte? Where are you?" I heard footsteps on the stairs then she popped her head in the door. "Good morning darling." She said, coming over and kissing me on top of the head. "What are you doing up so early?" I asked her. "Just double checking and making sure I have everything. Shower, I have breakfast for you." She kissed my lips quickly then walked out of the room. I sat there staring out into the empty hallway. Having to fight my thoughts the moment I wake up was expected of course. Sighing, I threw the covers back and climbed out of bed. I feel weak, extremely tired, and a tad bit nauseous. Most of all? Heart broken.

I went into the bathroom and started the shower. I looked myself over in the mirror and I looked exactly how I felt. Perhaps worse. I grabbed my toothbrush off the sink and quickly brushed my teeth while my shower was heating up. I stripped out of my night robe and climbed in, sliding the shower door closed. Immediately, tears began falling as I broke down. I stood under the water as the tears flowed and flowed. I couldn't believe the day had finally come. After spending the best summer of my life with Charlotte it was time for her to fly to New York and prepare for her first week of undergrad. Today was also the first day back to school which means work for me. So Im not able to take her to the airport, wait with her and watch her plane take off as I would like. Instead, I have about forty five minutes left with her. With the woman I love before she slips right out of my grasp.

Her leaving scares the shit out of me. And to be honest I dont know where our relationship will go from here. She tells me she will always love me. That long distance relationships aren't so bad but I beg to differ. She will be in a new city with new faces. New life adventures, why would she hold onto me? What do I have to offer her that she cant find in anyone else? After a while I am certain she will forget all about me. She will meet someone of her own age, at some college party and do God knows what with them. Then, come and tell me how she made a mistake and that she's sorry. And I would be forced to forgive her because it would be my fault as I knew it was bound to happen. Yet I was too selfish to let her go before it did. It breaks my heart and nothing has even happened.

Yes Im selfish. I have no problem admitting to it. Because my foolish heart won't let her go. Even though my mind knows its not fair to yet again ask her to wait for me. Even though she promises we will be okay. That we will be together every holiday break, still. Even then it'll be at least three and a half months before we're together again. If I could fall in love with her in that short amount of time.. couldnt you just imagine? I have tried to break it off with her once before. When my thoughts got the better of me. But she wasn't having it. Saying that we fought too hard to love one another and my fears should not bring us down now. She tells me how beautiful I am. How I am the only person she has ever loved but I cant help my thoughts. I may be the first, but what really makes me good enough to be the last? Then I thought well, I'll just propose to her. I love her and I want to be with her for the rest of my life. But what good will that do? Yes, I want to be with her but it just wouldn't be fair. The proposal wouldnt come simply from love, more as a means to keep her near. And I could not trap her in such a way. Besides what would a ring stop? If she wants to do something, she will. Ring or not.

After crying until I literally could not anymore, I turned off the shower and stepped out. I wrapped a towel around me as I headed back into the room to find something to wear. I was in no mood to even go to work. To deal with anyone really. I knew it would be very different not seeing her in the halls today. Seeing someone else at her locker. I dont even think I would be my best self. Nonetheless, I grabbed a simple black dress out of the closet. I pulled my hair back into a high ponytail and grabbed the first pair of black heels I saw. Not caring much about my appearance today I applied no make up. Only a red lipstick. Sighing, I grabbed my purse off the dresser and headed downstairs.