and we forgave

Chapter 10

NESSIE

"My girl", Mark tells me while spinning me around. We got back together a week ago. After that date at my favorite café. I didn't want to rush things, but I also didn't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if I did the wrong decision coming back with him. And turning Adam down.

Adam didn't text me since then. I guess he doesn't know I'm back with Mark. Even if he would know, which is highly unlikely, he wouldn't bother texting me. I broke his heart too much that day.

I left after he told me he loved me. I left after I told him I loved another.

Another, who is now holding me in a hug. I play lost in thoughts with his dark hair. He has some curls, enough to allow me to ruffle them.

Mark chuckles at that.

"I missed you", he whispers.

I nod and kiss his lips. "I missed you too." Not a lie. But not the truth either.

I think I might rot in hell for what a liar I became.

"Every day I spent alone", he begins, making it clear to me he didn't find any other one.

Adam...

I am definitely going to go to hell.

"I looked at photos of us", he continues. "And couldn't stop thinking of you. I asked myself if you had found another a few times. Tried to calm myself down every time I pictured you kissing someone who wasn't me."

I didn't just kiss someone...

Adam...

I might pass out any moment.

I can't answer. I won't answer. It would be a lie and I already have sinned too much.

Not doing that again.

"But you are back now", he tells me. "And I am not letting you go again."

"I'm glad to hear that", I whisper.

He kisses me and slowly makes his way down my neck to my collarbone where he plants a big kiss. He then starts tugging at my white cardigan, wanting it off. The same applies for my jeans. I give the cardigan off and as he tugs at my bra too, I stop.

And freeze.

Adam...

"I've never kissed someone so beautiful", he tells me. I kiss him slowly, a big difference to the kisses I gave him before. Passionate. Hungry. Wanting more. I don't think it's only because of my lack of romance in the last months. I haven't gotten laid in a while. Mark and I kept on fighting in the past time and we didn't touch anymore. He would kiss me from time to time, but nothing more. I didn't let him see me naked ever since we started getting toxic.
But I did not kiss Adam because I didn't kiss Mark.

Adam has something electric about him. Like I couldn't stop. This never happened before. His touch makes me eager for more. Like I can't get enough of this. Of us. Of him. Every kiss asks for another. Every glance makes me want to pin him against that wall and hold him in my arms.

I never thought I'd be addicted to something.

In this moment, I know I am addicted to him.

"Kiss me again", I whisper, going with my hand through that ginger hair of his.

He chuckles and obeys.

"Mark", I breathe as he's tugging on the lace of my underwear again. He doesn't stop, only chuckles. "Mark", I let out once more. Again, no answer.

This is wrong. So wrong.

I should let my boyfriend touch me. I should let him kiss me. But I can't.

I can't.

All I see is him.

I slide further away from him to free myself from his touch. Mark looks at me surprised.

"Vanessa...", he whispers, calling me by my full name. He never does that.

"I can't", I let out, a tear down my face. I know what I have to do. Lie. Again. "I can't. Please."

"Did you...", he doesn't have to end that question for me to get it.

Yes. "No", I answer. "No. It's just...We're still so raw. We haven't done this in some time. I don't want to rush. Let's take it slow."

He bites it.

Another piece of my heart breaks.

"Slow", I continue, if only to push away the thoughts from my head. Liar. Traitor. Cheater. Home-wrecker. Slut. Bitch. Liar. Cheater. "Slow", I whisper again, now crying. "I don't want things to go too fast."

He must see how broken I am since he comes closer and takes my hand. I quickly slip back in my jeans just in case. "We'll take it slow, Nessie", he responds. "Slow. Take all the time you need. I'll wait for you. Being with you is enough." He takes a deep breath. "Thanks for telling me how you feel", he whispers.

I cry louder again.

If only I hadn't gone out that night. I wouldn't have gotten drunk, Adam wouldn't have rescued me, I wouldn't have ended up in a fancy hotel with him and he wouldn't have said he loved me. I wouldn't have let myself dream and touch him and be so obsessed with his touch.

I would have kissed Mark now. Let him touch me. Act like any girlfriend would.

One that doesn't cheat and lie.

You didn't cheat, I try to convince myself again. Mark and you were broken up. You were free to do whatever you wanted.

But one look in Mark's eyes tells me my answer. Although we were broken up, if he knew what happened between Adam and me, he would never look at me the same again. He would break up with me.

And I for sure will not tell him that the night with Adam was the best night I've ever had.

Damn it, Nessie.

I close my eyes and sink in his hug. His hands don't slide lower than my waist. I am somehow thankful for it.

Otherwise I'll have to turn him down again.

And I know I would, for right now, I can only see Adam in front of my eyes, telling me he loves me.

What did I bring myself into?