Shattered Illusions

Chapter 19 - Glimpses of the past

Alyssa's POV:

The next morning I woke up with my damn nerves scaring the hell out of me. They are back with me here and now I would have to be careful of every crevice and every slit in the wall. Who knows where they would appear from again and try to scare me in front of everyone this time?! I sighed and went to the bathroom to begin my day. I needed a long shower to cool down and calm myself enough to go and explain Alex about my condition, my past and everything before we say our goodbyes. I wish it could go different...

While I showered, my brain was going through a million thoughts at the speed of the light. How do I say what I want to say? How do I explain who are they? I know they are not real. I know they are dead. But that's the thing with hallucinations. Even when I know they are not real, they "seem" real. Even when I know they are not real, I can feel they can somehow harm me, even if just with their words. It used to take my whole mental strength to just fight one of them in the past, but all of them together, I can't do it.

It terrifies me so fucking much, I feel like I'm being suffocated and no one can save me. Someone's drowning me in the ocean alive and all I can do is thrash my hands and legs around, but it's no use, coz I will drown anyways. They have come to haunt me and they would make sure I remember it forever. They are here to stay and they fully intend to use up their every last second. I'm alive, but living in the world of dead.

The worst part about everything is I am not harmed physically by them, so anyone I'd tell, they might think I'm just doing it to garner sympathy. But if a wound isn't physical doesn't make it any less of a wound. Mental anguish is something only people can understand when they feel it themselves. People don't understand what's going on with someone before making any sort of judgements. The things I hear, the things I feel and the things I see are only heard, felt or seen by me. How do I fucking explain what's going on with me when none of them has fucking experienced it before.

When they are around me and I'm laughing, they all seem to fade away like a distant memory, but when I'm alone and the door to the past unlocks, they return with their full force. The line between reality and delusion blurs as I give in to whatever they tell me. They broke me before, and they are breaking me again. And I have no idea how to overcome my fear of them or if I can actually ever do that. But I promise it's real, I feel it in every cell of my body. I cried in frustration and agony.

The tears disappeared behind the water cascading down my body. No one can see them, but that doesn't mean I'm not crying. The pain is unbearable now, I wonder what it would be like when Alex isn't there anymore to give that little amount of comfort either. I know I have to be strong, but for how long?! I sighed and got out of the shower. If I think anymore, I'll just fucking lose it again.

As I approached Alex's bedroom, my nerves heightened again. I knocked at his door. "Come in" I smiled. "Hey! Good morning." I greeted him. He nodded, but then his eyes widened. He quickly came rushing to my side and hold my hands in his arms and stroked the side of my head where I was injured last night. "What happened?" He asked, concern clear in his eyes. I chuckled. "Nothing, I just fell down the bed." I laughed trying to make him believe about my clumsiness. I don't know why though, I was gonna tell the full truth to him anyways. He raised his eyebrow. He didn't believe me. "You sure you ain't lying, princess?" He asked pointing at my hand which was covered in bandages due to the scrapes.

Oh he thinks that I was trying to self harm myself again. But how do I explain him that it's not the case. I never do. I tried once, but it did not ever prove to be fruitful so I stopped. And I think it was one of the only senseful decisions of mine. "I promise I'm not, you can ask Bella yourself, she was with me when I fell down." He sighed in relief. "Okay" I smiled as he kissed me on the forehead. Ah the best kind of kisses!