Versailles Series Book 8: The Designer [COMPLETED]

PART I: CHAPTER 16

~ philip ~

Grazhiella has been laid to rest beside her parents' grave. After my breakdown at the morgue, I closed myself off from the world. I attended the funeral and everything related to that after like a robot. People knew me as Grazhiella's boyfriend so they extended their condolences to me. I hated their eyes that showed pity towards me. I knew it couldn't be helped but it felt like their pitiful looks added salt to the wound.

I just isolated myself in my room after the funeral. I was just sitting on the floor or lying on the bed, reading her messages again and again when she was still alive. I can almost memorize each one after the countless times I have revisited it. Thank God there were voice notes too. She sounded very much alive in my head because of them. Her lively voice echoed in my ears before I passed out from exhaustion. I also keep staring at our chat box as if she'll reply any minute. That has been my routine for God knows how long. I lost track of time. The only indication of time I have is my stomach grumbling when it's time to eat and the transition from darkness to brightness when the sun rises and sets.

I opened the box where I kept her Polaroids. I left some in my dorm in Boston but I have most of it here. My fingers touched her cheeks in the picture. Her face was so happy. I remember how long it took me to make her smile genuinely. Since then, I felt like brightness followed her wherever she went. She was my ball of energy. I always knew that I was the best version of myself when I was with her. I wanted to be the best version of myself when I was with her because that's what she deserved. What am I supposed to do now?

Hinaplos ko ang mukha nito. Is she not feeling any pain anymore? Did she have to endure long? Was it a quick death? The thought of her being raped and tortured makes me want to kill whoever that fucker is. And I will give him or them a very slow and agonizing death.

Kumuyom ang kamay ko. I remember how battered her face was at the morgue. It will forever be etched in my mind. It haunted me in my dreams. It kept me awake during the time I should be sleeping. Sometimes I picture her mad or crying or in agony and I will wake up and cry because I can't do anything about it. I wish I could have done something or I wish I was there to protect her but I wasn't. She probably cursed me to death for my absence.

Lola Lu gave me her necklace after it was cleared of evidence. It was unmistakably hers. It cemented her identity along with her uniform badge and her nurse uniform. I clutched it in my hand to my heart. The pain just can't go away. The throbbing just doesn't stop. My eyes never got tired of crying. It just tears me up even when my mind is blank.

As the song goes, if loneliness is a taste then it's all that I'm tasting.

The days went by. Or weeks. Or months. Lolo Lito tried to haul me out of my bedroom. He removed all the alcohol in the house to stop me from sleeping drunk only to wake up and get drunk again. It will get better, they said. You'll get used to the pain they said. How soon will that come? Why am I not getting any better? Why is the pain continuing to consume me? I just want to know how long will I be like this. I want to move on but moving on meant forgetting her and continuing life without her. Some time ago, I envisioned her in her uniform while taking her oath, then I would get down on one knee and ask her to marry me, and we would get married and we could be together after years apart. How should I orient myself from thinking that to living without her at all?

One day, I had an unexpected visitor. It was Lola Lu. Lolo Lito must have been frustrated at me for wallowing in grief for such a long time. After all, I was his only heir.

"Philip, apo." I looked at her. Grief and sadness is evident on her wrinkled face but she looked more human than I am currently. I can't even remember the last time I saw a mirror to look at myself. "Hindi ka raw lumalabas sa kwarto mo. Hindi makabubuti sa iyo ang ginagawa mo sa katawan mo." Hinaplos nito ang kamay ko.