Scars of her Blood • Shadowhunters

Chapter 41: Guilt and Pain

A/N Thank you guys so much for all the support!! I can't believe we have already gotten to 2k reads! This is insane, thank you so so much!!!

 "Eileen must be really good, if she managed to get a hit in on him, even though she was outnumbered.", Izzy stated.

"Mmh...", Celia grumbled. She had only told the other SRU members what had really happened. At the moment, Benicio was sleeping in Celia's old room. Everyone else, except Rubi, had gone back to Mexico City. And Rubi was only staying here because Inquisitor Herondale, who had arrived a few hours ago, had asked them both to participate in interrogating Valentine.

"I will go check on the others.", Izzy said and left the room. Celia was pretty sure that there was nothing to check on, but that Izzy had just sensed the tense atmosphere in the room. 

When the door had closed, Rubi stepped closer and leaned on the chair in front of Celia's desk:

"He could be dead."

Celia just growled in response. She was aware of that. But Rubi did not let it go:

"You need to let go of that blinding rage towards Eileen. You're like a bull charging at a red flag when it comes to her."

"She killed my family."

Rubi threw her hands up:

"Celia, I am aware of that! But it does not mean that your behavior is good the way it is. You cannot always shoot before you ask just because you like the target. Because that ends either in you getting hurt or someone else close to you, like tonight."

"This was the first time!", Celia snapped.

"The first time someone else got hurt. How many times have you come back to the headquarters with some kind of injury because you were following a lead. And it has not exactly gotten better since you two have started running into each other more frequently."

Celia just scoffed. Rubi did not care that this was ticking Celia off:

"Honestly? It's not just your physical state I am worried about..."

Celia knew exactly where Rubi was going with this and drew her breath:

"How dare you?", she snarled. Rubi sighed and turned away:

"I know you are not mad at me but at yourself."

Celia wanted to reply with something incredibly rude, but she realized that Rubi was right. She was mad at herself for not calculating her moves correctly, for feeling too safe in the situation. This would have been the strategic thinking expected from an elite soldier. And she had certainly not displayed it tonight.

Celia took a deep breath:

"So what do you suggest I do?"

"What you learned to do.", Rubi turned back around and looked Celia directly in the eyes, "emotions have nothing to do in a fight. I know this is incredibly hard in this case, but they certainly do not help."

"How am I supposed to block all that out?", Celia asked, now sounding almost hopeless, "there is so much hate. I have accepted their death, I am beyond grieving... But I cannot let go of the hate."

"There is no recipe for things like this, Celia.", Rubi sighed, "you need to find your way. Some people need something ritualistic, burning something that stands for their feelings for example."

"Does burning Eileen's corpse count?", Celia asked with a smirk. Rubi could not help but snort:

"You are an idiot sometimes, you know that?"