Your Name

29| "I'm a coward."

A WEEK LATER

╰┈➤𝐘𝐈𝐍 𝐏𝐎𝐕*ೃ༄

Returning to my parents' house, I always knew that certain questions would be asked during our dinners together. This time, it was my dad who broached the topic. "Son, when are you going to introduce your girlfriend to us?" Pa asked.

A soft sigh escaped my lips for this was a query that seemed to follow me wherever I went and it came as no surprise. It seemed that every time they laid eyes on me, the topic of my romantic life inevitably resurfaced. I couldn't blame them, really. Their concern was born out of genuine care for my well being.

But how could I explain that my heart stubbornly clung to a love that seemed impossible to revive? War was the name etched into every corner of my being and no matter how hard I tried to move on, his memory lingered like an indelible mark.

A week had drifted by since I unexpectedly met War and since then, I had combed every nook and cranny of town, searching for him. Countless nights were spent driving aimlessly. But despite my relentless pursuit, he remained elusive.

"I have told you, Pa," I replied with a hint of weariness, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now." It was the same answer I had given time and again, a response that had become almost a reflex. However, this time, there was a heaviness to my words, a silent plea for understanding.

Before I could escape further scrutiny, Mae chimed in. "You know, dear, Aunty Nom's daughter from our neighborhood got married right after she graduated. Such a lovely wedding!" Mae said excitedly.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

"And don't forget, dear, we would love to have a grandchild soon," Mae added.

I am lost for words. I couldn't bring myself to explain the depths of my internal turmoil to them. My sexuality and my past had cast a shadow over my future and I feared that the truth would only serve to burden them further.

The silence at the dinner table grew heavy. I desperately wanted to unburden myself, to let them in on the torment that had been consuming me for so long. But I knew that doing so would unleash a storm of emotions, a reckoning that I wasn't quite prepared to face.

"Mae, Pa..." I finally spoke in a low tone. "Can we please stop talking about this?"

"Aww, Yin, You are not getting any younger. It's time you settled down. We are excited about it," Mae said with a big smile.

Dinner continued with a small talk and the persistent topic of my romantic life. The food on my plate grew cold as my mind raced through a maze of conflicting emotions. I understood my family's desire for me to settle down but...I just want War.

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I laid on my old bed, staring up at the ceiling. I felt like a stranger in my own life. The memory of War haunted my every thought, his smile, his laughter and his voice. It was as though he had left an indelible imprint on my soul and no amount of time or distance could erase it.

How could I even contemplate building a life with someone else when my heart remained firmly anchored to him?

Tears welled up in my eyes and I buried my face in my pillow, choking back sobs of frustration and longing. "Forgive me, War...I should protect you but...I'm-I'm a coward," I uttered between my tears.

The pain in his eyes, the tear stained cheeks and the words left unsaid. It was a moment etched in my memory, a guilt and regret feelings I couldn't escape.

Until now, I had fought within myself, a war between the expectations of society and the truth of my own heart.

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