Your Name

36| "It hurts too much, War."

╰┈➤𝐘𝐈𝐍 𝐏𝐎𝐕*ೃ༄

"I look so stupid, right? Keep crying like a child even though I'm old enough to handle all this properly." My voice shaky as I said to Dr. Mix, my therapist. My palm covered my face, tears flowing faster than I could wipe them away and I even struggled to breathe properly.

The weight of War's hurtful words lingered, haunting my thoughts. "Selfish," he had called me. A painful truth I couldn't deny. I understood the depth of my past actions, how poorly I treated him, yet I unable to release the grip of my emotions. I clung to the hope that his feelings remained unchanged, that he would utter those three words I longed to hear, "I love you."

Dr. Mix leaned forward, his expression a mixture of empathy and understanding. "It's okay to feel this way. As I told you, Yin, healing takes time and acknowledging your emotions is the first step."

"But I have hurt him so much, Doc. How can I expect him to forgive me?" I mumbled through choked sobs.

"Forgiveness is a process, both for you and for him. It requires patience and effort. Have you tried talking to War about your feelings?"

I sighed. "I have tried but every time I see him, my words get jumbled and I end up making things worse. He deserves better than the mess I have become."

"He...he said he already loves someone else," I added through my sobs, the pain hitting me hard.

Dr. Mix leaned back, his brows furrowed with concern. "I understand this is incredibly difficult for you, Yin. Rejection is painful, especially when it involves someone you care deeply about. But remember, it's crucial to express your feelings honestly. Then, have you told War about the depth of your regret and the changes you want to make?"

I nodded, wiping away tears with the back of my hand. "Always but it's like there's a wall between us. He won't let me in, won't let me show him how much I want to change."

Dr. Mix scribbled something down on his notepad before meeting my eyes again. "Building trust takes time, Yin. If he's already moved on, you must respect his decision. Focus on your own growth and well-being. The rest will follow."

The ache in my chest persisted. "I...I just wish I could turn back time, Doc. Fix all the mistakes I have made."

"Remember, Yin, your worth is not solely defined by your relationship with War. Focus on rebuilding yourself and if it's meant to be, things will fall into place."

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, the truth in his words sinking in. "I know, but it's just so hard to let go of the past, especially when it feels like I have lost the person who meant the most to me."

My voice cracked. "War is everything to me, Doc..."

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Life felt chaotic and I had no one to share my emotions with except my therapist. It's during these moments that the world seems like a harsh and judgmental place. I feared opening up to my friends about my feelings towards War as I already anticipated mockery instead of support for having feelings toward another man. The world, at times, felt heartbreakingly cruel.

Lost in my thoughts, I drove my car haphazardly, oblivious to the chaos I was causing on the road. It wasn't until a near collision with another car that I snapped back to reality. The driver, understandably furious, honked and cursed at me because of my own foolishness.

"Watch where you're going!" The driver yelled.

"Sorry, sorry," I mumbled as I pulled over to the side of the road. The near miss had jolted me. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves before rolling down the window to address the irate driver.