Bird Wings

Chapter 13

The period free of tension between them was over as abruptly as it had started. Wren could feel it in the air as soon as she woke up the next morning. This time the roles were reversed, with the discomfort coming from Hawk instead of herself. She was ready to make peace, already missing the camaraderie, but he was quiet and introspective. He didn't suggest a walk and left her alone in the cave pretty soon after their morning trip to the clifftop. When he came back it wasn't much better - he would talk to her but she could feel how much more effort it was taking to hold his attention than it had been. He kept falling silent again and staring outside, deep in thought.

A full day of this was torturous. Wren wondered how he had stood her silence and coldness at the beginning so patiently, but then patience had never been her strongest attribute. She was feeling frustrated as well as impatient, annoyed that he wasn't as proud of her as she was of herself, or even grateful at all. It had been such a struggle to come to this point and he was everything but pleased with it. 'I think I broke you' he had said. Wasn't she more whole than she ever had been?

Her patience gave out when he disappeared again in the afternoon, leaving her alone for several hours. He returned to find her waiting with hands on hips, ready to give him a piece of her mind.

"I have something to tell you." He said, before she had a chance to speak.

"Is it 'thank you'?" she asked, glaring.

"Thank you for what, not being terrible?" He put his hands on his hips too, mimicking her.

That took all the power out of her indignation. She may have become less selfish but she certainly hadn't grown much in other areas.

"I'm sorry. But Hawk, if we're going to get along we have to agree sometimes. It's not fair for you to switch sides as soon as I come over to your way of thinking."

"Come over here and sit down." He went to the place she liked to sit near the cave's entrance and waited for her to join him. He looked very serious.

Wren picked her way over the cave floor and settled down next to him, hugging her knees. He was staring into space again. She waited, eyes fixed on his face.

"Wren..." he shifted around instead of finishing, and his eyes met hers. She was surprised to see that he looked sad now, not just upset.

"I have to take you home."

She waited for him to go on, and explain how that statement made sense with any of the things they had said to each other the day before, but he didn't.

"No."

"Wren,"

"No! Hawk, are you kidding me? You think I'd leave you now?"

"You're not leaving me, I'm taking you back."

"No!"

"This wasn't a question, I've thought about it all day and I can't do this to you anymore. I can't do it, Wren. I must've been insane."

"You'll die!" She stood up, furious.

Wren had seen this mood on him before. She hadn't been able to change his mind when she wanted him to let her go, and he felt just as immovable now. Panic swelled in her.

"You'll die! Are you kidding me?" Why couldn't she think of anything else to say?

"You don't know that!"

"You are much too late to make that argument, you told me yourself! You know what will happen!"

Hawk stood up too, and took hold of her arms. He spoke gently, like she was a little girl.

"I can't know the future either. I told you that because that's what I felt, but I survived this long - why shouldn't I keep living? It's harder to die than you think."

"Don't talk to me like I'm stupid! You told me about your arms, and the flying, you know that you can hurt yourself. You know what will happen."

"I also know that you care about me now. You were what helped me for all those years before this, and you can help me again. I'll remember that you cared. That will be enough."

"Liar." Tears rolled out of her eyes and down her cheeks. "How long could that help? Why would you take a ghost of a memory when you could just have me in person? I want to be here, Hawk. I know that it's not perfect here but it's where I want to be."

"I'm just not worth that kind of sacrifice." He whispered. "I know that you're better off away from me. The more you tell me about what I took you from the more convinced I get that it's too much to give up just for me."

"That's the kind of thinking that's going to get you killed."

Hawk looked away from her, giving her a break from the tortured expression in his eyes.

"I won't go. The problem with what you did to me was that I didn't get to choose. You need to let me have a choice in where I live. Can't you just wait? I'll know that leaving is an option and I'll tell you if I change my mind. That's all you need to do to make this right."

"I need you to trust me when I say you don't want this. If you knew what it was like for years on end, month after month, in the winter even, you'd agree with me now. We don't both have to be here."

"Telling me it's awful to live like you do isn't going to change my mind! That's why I want to be with you!"

He groaned with frustration.

"I'm not letting you be a martyr for me! You have this weird high minded idea about helping me, but I can tell you right now that if you stay I might just freaking die anyway." His eyes were so wide, looking directly into hers. "Wren, I'm such a mess. That's what I mean by I'm not worth it. You can treat me like a project and pour everything you have to offer into it and I'd still be just a shell of a person. I'd disappoint you! I would end up being less than you wanted and you'd have given up everything and gotten this stupid rotten deal in exchange. I know you'll regret it eventually, and I have to let you go now before I fall any more in love with you."

Wren had been thinking that she'd remind him that she had disappointed him once and it had ended up being okay, and tell him over and over again that he was worth any manner of sacrifice, that it wouldn't make up for what she felt partly responsible for, that any person was worth whatever effort it took to keep them alive, that he deserved any tiny scrap of happiness she could give him, and anything else she could think of to try and change his mind - but that last declaration stopped her in her tracks. He had said it paired with a tighter grip on her arms, as if to emphasise the point, and a new layer of earnestness in his eyes. He loved her!

There was nothing for it but to burst into tears. Everything felt inevitable now. He wanted her free because he loved her. It would hurt him to see her struggle with him just as much as it would help, so she couldn't hope to persuade him to put his own needs first. She wouldn't be able to persuade him.

***

Tragic. Also, Wren is wayy less patient than Hawk is. Bless her heart.

-Laura