Bird Wings

Chapter 12

After that day on the clifftop, the days went on in their usual numbingly uneventful routine. Trips back and forth to the clifftop, walks, precious few meals - but something was different, again. Wren was keeping a careful eye on herself, subconsciously holding her breath. She had thought that her behaviour that day would make her even more embarrassed around Hawk, but the opposite proved true. She was comfortable with him now, actually at ease. Their conversations became less combative and more frequent, and she found herself actually enjoying his company.

She found with surprise that he was so easy to talk to. She had known village boys much less talented in conversation and with nothing like the excuse he had for any clumsiness. How had he lived in isolation for so much of his life and still be able to talk to her and express himself with ease?

With that palpable tension from Wren gone, Hawk relaxed too and was suddenly full of questions for her. He had learned a lot about life in the village from his habit of observation, but he had only been able to see what was done or hear what was said outdoors. He wanted to know details of what went on inside their houses, the family dinners, evening occupations - what they did with the things they bought from travelling merchants, and what was a 'board game'? She laughed at some of the things he didn't know and winced over others. It was hard to miss the evidence of neglect that lurked in everything he asked her.

It was equally difficult to hide the growing pity she felt for him. Her view of her old home had changed to a new perspective for a third time; she had gone from thinking of it as something precious that was stolen from her, to something poisonous masquerading as a good thing, to something precious that was stolen from Hawk. He had so much to offer! So much about him was exactly what people liked. He was intelligent and witty, but had never even been taught how to read! She switched often between compassion and anger, the two emotions feeding each other.

Hawk as yet hadn't seemed to notice the chaos and tension that still raged inside Wren, externally she was the most peaceful now that she had been since they met, and he was enjoying it. He smiled more often and his habit of nervous pinching with his fingertips had lessened somewhat. It felt to Wren that now was when she was actually meeting Hawk - his real personality was showing itself for the first time. He no longer seemed so shrunken within himself.

With all of this to pay attention to, Wren's desires for herself became more unfocused. She still felt vaguely that it wasn't right that she should be separated from her family, and the facts of this new lifestyle still upset her. They lived in a cave like animals and like animals they had to sneak and forage for food and every other basic necessity. No resident of her village should ever be pushed to such extremes. There was no obvious solution to this, so she pushed these thoughts from her mind as much as she could. Concerns for herself still held weight to her, but for the first time something else weighed more.

It shocked her, to realise that she'd been selfish all her life. Somehow she had managed to trick both herself and everyone around her that she wasn't. No one had given her much praise for selflessness, but she certainly hadn't been criticised for the opposite. The people around her had genuinely liked her and seen no problem, at least in that area. It was a puzzle.

She felt so differently now! What a relief, to see her own faults only in hindsight, after the change had happened. She was now willing to make sacrifices for Hawk's comfort, and it was that switch that had shown her the problem with her old way of thinking. It did make her wonder though how many other faults lurked beneath the surface of her mind, yet undiscovered.

She decided to ask Hawk one day, a week or two after that conversation on the clifftop. His arm had healed quite a bit by then, and he had taken her back to that clear space higher on the mountain to walk. It was less windy today, and she could speak to him without yelling.

"What do you think my worst quality is?" She asked.

"Your worst quality? What makes you think I'd know something like that?"

"You've spent some time with me by now, and you were paying attention before. I've just been thinking about my faults lately and I want to know if you've noticed anything."

"This conversation feels like a trap." He laughed

"I won't get mad at you! I'm just curious. Self improvement, you know?"

"I'm not sure I'm really in a position to notice flaws in people. All I see is someone I can't be an equal with, if that makes sense. I think about what they'll see when they look at me, not what they look like to me."

"You're dodging the question," she accused. "I want to know if you noticed any faults in me, specifically, not just people in the abstract."

"I'd rather hear why you've been thinking about your faults lately than try to answer that." He said, laughing again.

"I've been thinking about how selfish I've been. I think I could have treated you better when we first met if I'd been able to think about anything but myself for five minutes."

"By 'first met', do you mean when I abducted you from your wedding and started keeping you prisoner up here in a cave? It's been a while since you've tried to make me feel guilty for that."
"Well that's the thing, I don't think anymore that I should be trying to make you feel guilty for it. I don't think I can blame you for needing someone, now that I know what it's been like for you."

He looked at her kind of strangely at that.

"I guess my evil plan actually worked. You actually do see me differently now."

"And I think I took my sweet time doing it. I don't know why I didn't know something was wrong with how I saw things the moment I saw you looked more like a person than a monster."

"I just called what I did an evil plan and you didn't even react. You don't see anything wrong with it anymore at all? Don't you miss your home?"

"It's not like that! I just can see your point of view now. Isn't that what you wanted? You told me your whole life story that one day so that I could understand. I do understand now, and I think I was selfish before for resisting it."

Hawk was silent for several minutes. Wren was by no means done bragging about her new and improved mindset, but she waited (impatiently) for him to speak again.

"You're right, that is what I wanted. That was my whole plan really, that I'd take you and try to make you see how desperate I was and forgive me. For some reason it's not sitting right with me though. Don't you think you should resent me a little?"

"Maybe I should, but I don't."

"You don't want to go home anymore?"

"It's not that." That phrase, 'go home' sent a stabbing longing through her heart. She still wished for the easy way out. "I just... you shouldn't have been alone. You shouldn't have had to live like that. Now that I know, I can't help but be glad I'm in a position to help at least. At least you're not alone now."

He laughed bleakly.

"Yeah, now we're alone together."

***

These two may change and grow, but never in parallel.

-Laura