Dear Reader...

Chapter Twenty Three

~Juliette~

It's funny how much a year can change so much and so fucking little at the same time. 12 months ago, today I was sat in the café in Satbury, watching him try out new recipes, finishing my 4th book and ordering a latte that I can't even drink for 6 more weeks. God I miss coffee so fucking much.

Now I'm stood in the nursery of our new house. Me, Riles and Anya. Anytime now, we're going to be doing the whole newborn stage again. Double the work. Because obviously I get the twin gene and land myself with 2 kids on the first go. No easing myself into it. Jumping in feet first. God my parents would kill me if they ever found out about any of this.

"AUNTIE JULES?!" Anya's feet hit the wooden floors. "AUNTIE JULIETTE?!"

"Oh, the full name huh??" She stands in the doorway to the nursery and I turn around slowly. "What's up duck?"

"It came!"

"What did?"

"The first print of your book. Mom's got it in the kitchen." I narrow my eyes at her.

"Stop growing up."

"No." Anya puts her hand on my belly. "Hi babies."

"They don't like you."

"YES THEY DO!"

"No, they don't, they're kicking. Here. Feel." I move her hand to the right spots.

"AH!"

"You felt it?"

"That was a kick?"

"Or an elbow.. They're fighting for space kid." Anya stares at my giant stomach. "Do me a favour?"

"What?"

"Check I have feet still." Anya giggles. "They might have fallen off since you checked yesterday."

"2 feet, 10 toes. No slippers."

"Ah. That's why I can't feel them then."

"You go see mom and I'll get them." I ruffled her hair, hobbling out of the nursery and slowly down the stairs. This house feels too big right now. It takes so much effort to walk the length of the house and I have to do it so slowly because I have officially taken the description of the 'pregnancy waddle' to a whole other level. This is next level. "Come on Auntie Jules. You take up the whole stairs."

"Hey. This is your cousins doing this to me kid. Patience. Or I'll make sure they're screaming in your room when they get here."

"No."

"I will. And I'll just let them cry."

"Yeah well they'll love me and I'll be able to quieten them down."

"Ooo someone's gotten an attitude since turning 7." She stuck her tongue out and I had to fight a chuckle when she put my slippers on the floor, helped me into them. I sucked her into my side, keeping my arm tight around her.

"Mom got you cake."

"What kind of cake?"

"Peanut butter and chocolate." I grinned. I might have lost Noah just before I found out about this pregnancy but because of my allergies, I'd been classed as high risk. I don't know. I got tested for reactions anyway. The results? Not a damn thing. So, we did food testing, in the hospital. I ended up eating 5 spoons of peanut butter over the space of 2 hours and not a single reaction. No tree nuts. Not soy. No dairy. Not a damn thing.

They don't know exactly how. The specialist said it could be something to do with stem cells or something but he waited a few months and we tried it again. Nothing so I'd been cleared to eat whatever the hell I wanted. And oh boy had I taken that opportunity with both hands and run as if my life depended on it. Turns out these kids are fucking peanut butter obsessed.

"Maybe they'll stop fighting." Anya giggled, pulling me into the kitchen. She hadn't just got me a cake to celebrate the first print copy of my 5th book. She'd gotten balloons, confetti, a sign. Everything. The kitchen was filled with my friends. Women I'd met at mommy and me classes when we moved here 4 months ago. Stephen's here too. Staring at me like a proud dad, Riley like a proud mom.

I'm not alone here.

I can't imagine doing this back in the UK. Twins with no support, no family, no friends. No Riley. I want these kids to have what Anya has. It might not be a traditional looking family. It's her mom and her mom's best friend and her mom's boyfriend. But you can see it on her as she walks around the room, handing out drinks. She climbs up onto the counter and helps her mom with the surprise book/baby shower games with such confidence. Ste teases her and she doesn't hesitate to tell him he's taking it too far because we raised her to know her voice and her opinion matters. This girl has had everything we didn't have growing up. Love and unconditional support. Strong women around her and the men she has around her now are well educated and treat women right.

I want these two babies to have Anya's confidence, Anya's will power, Anya's ability to light up every single room she walks into. I know that me and Riley can do that. Between us. We have a track record of raising brilliant, caring children together.

The thought of trying to do that without her, with 2 babies at once. It wouldn't be possible. I wouldn't be able to do it.

I look around this room, the laughter it's filled with, the warmth, the children my babies will grow up with. I'll get to see them laugh like this with their own friends. They'll make their own families. As beautiful as that is, I can't help but wish things were slightly different.

That Noah had never have vanished. That he called. That his mum never crashed. That he came home before I sent that text and we worked it out. That I took a test and could have done this pregnancy with him because god he'd be the best dad. I saw how he was with Anya for that week. He'd have been so good at this. And these kids deserve that. They deserve a dad that would love them like Noah would have.

But now it's over one year since I met him. Over a year since we got together. Nearly 8 months since we split and he's not here. He's living his life elsewhere, probably with some other girl or back with Teagan. But whoever it is, it's not me.

"Oh. Mom. I think someone spilled their drink." I look down at the floor, then up at Riley. Her face slowly pulls into a nervous smile.

"No baby. That's not someone's drink. That's Auntie Jules' water."

"Oh shit." Ste stands up straight. "Okay." The room fills with instant chaos, someone pulls Anya off the counter and Riley moves around to grab my hands.

"We've got this."

"Mhm."

"Remember what you said to me?"

"Fuck no." Riley chuckled.

"Each pain is one closer to meeting her." Riles looked over her shoulder at Anya who was terrified. "Let's go get us some babies huh?" Same Anya. Same babe.