Dear Reader...

Chapter Twenty Four

~Noah~

"God Noah. At least look like you want to be here." I don't. I don't want to be in a fucking bookstore you shopped with my girlfriend in last Christmas. I don't want to watch you flicking through books I know she had on her bedside table. I don't want to be here.

"I'll be over there." Ally rolled her eyes and I walked down to the back of the store just to sit down in a massively oversized chair and do what I've been doing for the past 14 months. Mope. Feel sorry for myself and try to not break down at every fucking memory.

I don't even know how it went so fucking wrong.

I've retraced the night I left over and over again. So much that it kept me up every single night, staring at a bed she should be in. But she's not and I don't even know if she's still in the country or if she went back to Canada or if she's fucking literally anywhere.

I drove way too fast. Made it up here in 5 hours. Got out the car and text Jules that I was at the hospital, dropped my phone into a deep puddle and I couldn't sort it so of course it fucking broke. I sent it off to get fixed 3 days later when mum woke up and she was having scans done and everything. Used Ally's phone to post online so Chris would see and tell her when she went into the café inevitably. I messaged Chris but he never replied and by the time I'd gotten my phone back and it was actually working, it was 2 weeks I'd been gone and Juliette had, rightfully flipped her fucking lid.

I read her message and drove home in such a panic I don't even remember the drive. Got to her place and sure enough, there was a For Sale sign in the front garden. I got there as a real estate agent was finishing a viewing and he looked at me like I was insane when I just stared at the door.

She was supposed to be there. I was supposed to catch her before she left.

I know I fucked up. I could have- god I don't know what I could have done. Written a letter maybe? Anything. I couldn't leave my mum and Ally needed me. But I should have tried something.

And now she's literally untraceable. Just gone. Like she never actually existed. But I'm looking around this bookstore and I know 3 of her books are in here somewhere. Because we came in here when I brought her home for Christmas. I remember her laughing when Ally tried to guess her author name. We sat right here and I watched her read in that chair, right there. Completely disassociated from the real world.

I want her to know it was all some stupid mistake. That I didn't try hard enough. That I wanted her to come with me and if Riley and Anya weren't there I'd have taken her up with me because that drive was torture. I had my mum in shit shape at one end of the country and the love of my life at the other and I was leaving her home. Alone. With no one. And then my phone breaks and I can't even fucking tell her how much I missed her.

I'd been a shell of a person since I left. Just empty. Nothing inside feels real. It's all numb. My lungs are so heavy I'm sure someone laced them in concrete and now they've hardened. My bones are too rigid. I feel heavier. And it takes so much effort to drag myself out of bed that I can't.

I'm trying to find a way to move on. To learn to live with it but there's no fucking closure and I can't. 14 months. Over double the time we were together. I had 6 months with Juliette and I knew she was the one. I didn't want anyone else. I wanted her. I want her. I'll always want her.

"Noah?"

"Hm." I lifted my head as Ally sunk down into the chair opposite me, sending a horrible chill through me. That's Juliette's spot.

"So, I needed this book for my book club at Uni." She held up a beige book, covered in fake coffee stains and cantonized maps and ticket stubs. "It's brand new out. Dropped a few days ago but it's apparently really fucking good and not like the author's other works. I just read the uh- the acknowledgements and I don't know. You just need to read it. She flicked a few pages, handed it over to me.

To the boy who ghosted me and broke my heart in a small English town. Thank you for the inspiration for the first half of this book. Thank you for showing me how to love my flaws. I wish you nothing but love and happiness.

To my best friend and her daughter, here's to a lifetime of ice cream and movie nights when nothing is right with the world. I love you both beyond words. You have both supported me no matter what stupid thing I've had to do and I am so excited to tackle this new challenge with you both.

I flicked through the first half of the book, reading a handful of the paragraphs. Museum dates. Aquarium date where the main character is running around and the love interest grabs her and starts dancing. Christmas with his family. She gets sick after their first date and he looks after her, cooks for her until she's better. It's us. With conversations I had with Juliette. Word for word. Our texts from when she ran out of the coffee shop. Everything. Right here. It's like a journal of our relationship with different names and different likeness.

"It's her." I flick through some more and look up at Ally.

"I found her other books." She holds out 3 black clad books with single roses on the spine. "Dark Romance. Like she said she wrote." I looked at the book still in my hands. Running my thumb across her fake name on the spine. "Noah. She's doing a few book signings out in Toronto."

"Book signings?" She nodded.

"In Canada."

"When?"

"Next week."