Dear Reader...

Chapter Twenty Five

~Juliette~

"They're so cute."

"When they're asleep and not screaming the place down." I carefully clipped Finley's belt around him, sitting back on my knees. "It's like a whole ass military mission. How the fuck did we do that without waking either of them up?"

"We didn't let them sleep in the car." Riley smirked.

"Who didn't let them sleep in the car?" Anya appeared, hand in hand with Ste and honestly, I can't get over how big she's gotten in the past few months. It's like having the twins around has doubled her age overnight and it was freaking me out. 2 minutes ago, it was her we were clipping into a pram, praying she slept long enough for us to have a coffee without her screaming. Now she's begging to push the pram to the last store we have a signing in.

By 'we' I mean me.

We had today all planned out around the twins. We started early. Woke them up when we were all getting ready and we tag teamed like we'd learned was the best course with these two if we wanted to get out of the house before 7pm. Riley starts off whilst I shower. She does the nappy change, takes them down to the kitchen and makes breakfast for everyone with Ste. They start feeding them and I take over, showered, makeup and hair done, just needing to change.

I finish feeding them, then it's time for a clean off and play time with Anya whilst I clean up. Ste gets the car ready, me and Riley change nappies again, get them changed whilst Anya gets herself dressed into whatever Riles laid out for her. Babies are changed, bags are packed and it's into the cars. Usually, we each take one baby and it's so much easier but today Riles wanted me to relax so she'd taken all 3 kids in her car, left me to drive over in peace. Can't say I was a fan. I spent the whole time terrified and fully intend on swapping the seats back to my car before he go home later.

"How you doing?" Riles bumped her hip into mine as we walked down the high street, watching Stephen try to stop Anya from running the pram off the road a few feet away.

"I'm okay. It's so weird signing things in public."

"Yeah well you deserve the attention Jules. 5 books in 5 years. You put one of them out whilst being a single mom to twins. You're fucking astonishing."

"I'm not really a single mom am I though? I have you 3."

"You're single Jules. That makes you a single mom. You're raising those kids your way. Your rules and everything. We're just here for the ride babe." She pushed her arm through mine.

"Do you still think it's a mistake?"

"Keeping them?" I nod. "No. Not at all. I was worried, I'm not gonna lie. Having one was hard enough on me and you were going through such a rough breakup and had double the issues to face. I knew you could do it Jules I was just concerned you'd ruin yourself doing it."

"It's so much harder than I thought it would be." I admitted. "I stare at them after a night feed or when they wake up at 3 am. They look so much like him and I know it's going to get worse as they get older. And like, Ans asking about Kai now. How would I even handle that? You can say her dad was a bad man. I can't. I don't even know what happened."

"You're second guessing not telling him?"

"I don't know." There's such a tight line between telling him and not telling him. "I still think it's better if he never knows. He'd be happier without this responsibility. He always said he didn't want kids until he was late 20s at the earliest."

"So, until that changes Jules, you're doing the right thing for Pip and Fin. It's better for them to not have a dad than have one who's not in the right place to be a dad. We'll deal with the questions in a few years. Before they ask but when we're a little older and can judge how it'll go down. Now. Change of topic." We stood outside the store's back door, Ste and Anya disappearing inside with my kids. "Today's about you. You, your book, your fans. Nothing else. Ste has the kids; they're staying in the back corner out of the way but you'll be able to see them. He has everything they need. Milk, snacks, dummy, toys, change of clothes, iPads, nappies. They are fine. You go in there, spend 2 hours talking to people about books you worked fucking hard for, we leave, get food, go home, put the kids to bed and drink so much wine we pass out." I nodded, hugged the anxiety out of my system and headed into the store.

It's insane. The queue for people to have me sign their book. we were on the 3rd store today and I was genuinely so confused as to where all these people were coming from. Some of them came wearing fan made tee shirts of books I wrote in high school online. Long term fans who had been obsessed with my stuff for years and with each one that passed in the queue, I became more and more aware of just how much bigger I was than I thought.

This was my first time doing this kind of thing. I wanted the twins to have something to show when they say their mom is and author. To show them there's nothing to be ashamed of, you can follow your dreams. We kept the pen name, just to keep me and my family safe.

I took a few seconds between people to look up from my table, only to catch my breath.

"Riles."

"Yep." I looked back down at the papers in front of me. Trying not to freak out.

"Look out that window and tell me I did not see Noah."

"Se Noah? What are you on about?" I turned my head to her.

"Look out that window. Tell me Noah isn't there." I'm going mad. I had to be going insane. Had to be. We don't allow pictures at these signings. There's no way he'd know who I am. No way he'd come out here. It's a doppelganger. Or I'm going delusional. My blood sugars low. Or something. Fucking ANYTHING ELSE. "Riley."

"I can't." She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. "What are you going to do Jules?"

"Have a panic attack? Cry? Fucking move to the north pole? I don't know but we need to get out of here. I can't do this. He can't know about the twins. He's not getting a reason to stick around."

"Okay. I'll tell Ste."