My Life In Two

And the More Damning Evidence

The first week of tour has been extremely awkward. Neither Ricky or I have made attempts to speak with each other, we were both too timid to make the first move but still managed to lock in awkward eye contact every once in a while. I was too busy to deal with this anyway, helping Shevy with the merch table and setting up everything for their set.

"Hey, you okay?" Shevy walked up to me with a handful on Spencer's props. "You've been spaced out all day, Jacee." I never made eye contact as she spoke, continuing to watch Ice Nine Kills' sound check. "Earth to Jace?" She snapped her fingers in front of my face causing me to come out of my trance. These meds have been doing nothing but making me feel..insane. I've been making impulsive decisions, and sometimes dangerous ones. Worst of all, I had that dream again where Spencer was involved..the very first one..the seductive murderous one...and I kind of liked it? I'm going mad. I still love Ricky, but am so drawn to Spencer in a very mysterious way.

"Sorry..uh..um I'm fine." I finally turned to her and gave her a reassuring smile. "Bullshit, Jace. Spill it." She always called me out on my shit, something she was really good at doing with everyone. I turned back to the guys, breaking my eye contact with her so she couldn't read my face and she followed suit. "Ah, Spencer and Ricky I see." I rolled my eyes. Damnit.

"How did you know?" I mumbled turning back to her. "Bitch, I know everything around here. Plus you won't stop looking between them. Whatever you decide, I support it, as long as it doesn't ruin this band. They're both smitten over you." I looked at her wide eyed. "How do you know?"

"Again Jace, I know everything around here." She gave me a wink. "The way Ricky looks at you..he can't get over it. The way Spencer looks at you..well, Spencer is just Spencer. He's been harder to read but that's just him. I haven't seen him look at anyone like that since Nadia." She winked and walked away leaving me shocked with the intel I just learned.

The set was awesome, and I forgot how fast it goes by. "We've got one more song for you tonight, thank you so much for coming out tonight! Please welcome to the stage my girl, the beautiful Jacee!" My mouth went wide. I had no idea his intention was for me to sing this with him tonight. Granted it was my song, but since I currently was not touring I gave him full permission to perform it if he wanted. Shevy looked back at me shocked, obviously not prepared either and grabbed a microphone quickly, shoving it in my hands and shooing me onto the stage.

I walked on the stage sheepishly. Spencer meeting me halfway embracing me in a hug, and a kiss on the cheek, his lips lingered a little longer than they probably should have. I couldn't help but feel my cheeks heating up at the surprise. Ricky made eye contact with me and I could tell he was not the happiest. I didn't have time to focus on that right now. I started singing and god did it feel good. I missed it.

Losing myself, put you through hell
I've been fucking acting up too much
Tell me that you've had enough
I fall apart, you don't look surprised

Spencer and I had eye contact the entire time, him being the only one that really understood this song. Ricky knew a lot but I feel like Spencer really gets it.

Think I need some fucking therapy
Figure out what's wrong with me
When life brings me down

He walked over to me and put his hand on the small of my back and I let him take over for the chorus, me chiming in and harmonizing from time to time.

Empty bottles of wine, you on my mind
Missing the stars I saw in your eyes
Another place, another life
Another song, another line
Cheers to goodbye

This song was cutting deep.

***

Spencer and I walked back to the bus. It was a silent walk, but not uncomfortable. Spencer was the first one to break the silence. "So..Have you spoken with Ricky?" I bit my bottom lip not really wanting to answer. "No..I think he's angry at me for leaving..I'm such a piece of shit for doing that to him. I'm not a good person.." I felt tears welding in my eyes, thinking they would freeze with how cold it was outside. Spencer stopped in his tracks, turned to me and pulled me in. There was no gap between us as he lifted my chin and stroked my cheeks with his thumb, wiping away my tears. His hands were warm against my freezing skin. "Jacee, look at me. You are a good person. Probably the best person I know and you are incredible in everything you do. Ricky is my best friend, and yes you made a mistake, but if he can't forgive you and is going to hold a grudge, his loss." We were so close now, him basically whispering. I could feel his minty breath on mine. The feeling of his skin, and the smell of his cologne was intoxicating.

He pulled away and continued walking leaving me stunned.

I realized I wanted more.

I showered and changed into a black tank top and booty shorts to sleep in. I lied in bed not being able to sleep, trying to wrap my brain around what happened today. I felt like I couldn't control my own thoughts anymore, like they were taken over. I scrolled through my instagram, seeing INK's photographer posted a picture of Spencer and I on stage. I decided to check out the comments.

@inkfanpage: I ship them so. hard.
@inkfan: Wasn't @jaceeofficial and @rickyarmellino in a relationship?
@inkfan: @jaceeofficial and @spencerink king and queen of horror!!!
@inkfan: Mom and dad???
@inkfan: I feel bad for Ricky. She really treated him like shit. 

That last one stung and I couldn't imagine how Ricky feels. Now he's really not going to speak to me ever again. I can't believe fans think Spencer and I are dating or am I just blind?