P S Y C H E

Chapter Fifteen MTW‼️‼️‼️

Mia

The people who saws the cuts all over my body said I did for the attention. Something they failed to realize was, I did it because it distracted me. It distracted me from what the hell was going on in my world. Sadly, this was just the normal day of my life. All my scars from middle school were healed now but, I recently started cutting again. Not because I wanted attention but because I wanted to die. I wanted to experience it. I have always been curious about death since I was a little girl. Yet again, it was overlooked after my parents had died. There I thought I had knew but even then, it still didn't click. I just wanted someone to save me. To need me the way I needed them. To love me the way I loved them.
But I was absolutely and utterly alone in this world. I had no one by my side and no matter what I did to make friends, after a while you get exhausted. Physically, mentally, anyway yu could get exhausted you did. It was normal for us teenagers in this generation. Well, me in particular. I knew I was different. Weird. Odd someone has said to me before. It sucked. I was doing everything I could. After I started cutting again though, I just gave up. That's why I walked alone and talked to nobody because in all reality, would they carry my casket if I died? I didn't think so. Which was fine. I could make it on my own. I would get out of this hell hole sooner or later I just had to keep trying. Knowing me, I'll propbably just end up in a mental hospital though. Yeah, that was my favorite spot to vacation and the only place I have. I have been through seven therapists and the most they taught me was don't color outside the lines. They got tired of hearing about my trauma because it just repeated and they couldn't stand that. Especially since they've tried everything they could to fix me. It just wasn't worth it anymore. I hated it more then you know. I hated my life, I hated my school, I hated everyone around me all because I didn't like myself. I didn't like that I was able to stand up to a complete stranger at school yet I could not do it to my own family. I couldn't stand up to my aunt who liked to body shame me constantly and I certainly couldn't do it to her boyfriend because I knew I would be in trouble.
There were days where I just wanted to fight back. I wanted to be stronger then this and do everything I could to stop the fucking noise in my head. The voices who wanted me to just take my life and have it be over with. I wanted it to be over. I wanted people to see me. I was so confused. I wanted help but if I got it, what the hell would happen to the kids? I continue to clean the kitchen. There was just so much to be done but, I first got rid of the blood on the pair of scissors that I had used to hurt myself. Made sure all of my DNA was clean of it. I scrubbed the hard wood floors and I cleaned the windows and put the movies away on the dvd rack. I then made my way to the long hallway that connected all of our rooms
Mine at the very beginning, the kids in the middle, and my aunts at the end. I didn't even know what the hell to call my aunts boyfriend. I wanted to be nothing to him. I wanted zero relation to the man who claimed he raised me. He doesn't even know my favorite color. However, I knew once my aunt got sober she would spoil me rotten and thank me for everything and tell me how she appreciated me. Then, she'd blame the high coming off on me once more. Then go back into the whole respect thing. She did this at least twice a year. Minimal. It was hard to tell what side of her I would receive and it was terrifying. Because then I think she would do something. Leave him. She never did. I guess the dick was just so good, it fucked her mind senseless and she forgot she had kids to raise. Not me anymore. I'm almost seventeen. Just a few more months. I couldn't leave yet quite yet though. I needed to graduate. I needed to get us a place that wasn't infested by cockroaches and bed bugs. I needed a place that was good enough for Leah to finish her education and for the boys to play sports and for Sam to be able to become a vet. I wanted what was best for them that sometimes I even forgot about myself.
I wanted to experience so many other things but I have always found comfort in me taking care of them, the same way I wished someone would have saved me and comforted me. I needed it the most but, that was the past I needed to move on and stop pissing the people around me off. I didn't realize I was that difficult. My aunt always made it seem that way. Like I was the worst child on earth. I'm just glad she hasn't figured my bank account out quite yet. It brought peace to me. Knowing she couldn't ask me for money. Pretty positive she lost way to many brain cells in the past year to count. I don't trust a single thing that women says. There is to much evidence that leads to me not trusting a singular bone in her body.