P S Y C H E

Chapter Fifty Nine

Mia

When we all exited the hospital, I slowly watched as Aj got into his car and sped off. I wanted to go after him but Ace assured me to stay back with them, for my own safety or some unbelievable bullshit like that. That doesn't mean I necessarily wanted to accept it either. Who would? Their boyfriend's father figure just died right in front of him and there's not a single thing anyone can do for him. He probably feels so alone and I'm just here, doing my best to stay put together. Miles was my friend too.

We all exited the hospital and went somewhere to eat. I couldn't even tell you where the hell we went because how would I? How would I ever be capable of doing that? Oh wait, I'm not. I did my best to stay put together, but the tears poured into my fries and Ace wrapped an arm around my shoulder. I have never experienced a death like that. The doctors didn't allow me to see my parents because I was so young. I couldn't, it wasn't right. We were too young for any of this. Don't worry, per request, the sniffles were kept to a minimum. I have never seen Ace so affectionate though, but I couldn't eat. Not over something like this. Sure, I could pick up some junk food groceries like cereal and make sure my siblings are fed and walk them to school because that was my life. I never even had the chance to properly grieve my parents.

I was used to handling this alone, but I found myself relaxing under Ace's touch. COnsidering his ginormus hands you would absolutely assume it would be anything but gentle. That had to be a false narrative I came up with in my head because it simply isn't true. He caressed my arm gently and  I knew he was unbelivably worried about Aj. I wasn't entirely sure ifhis touch was for me or for him, but either way, it worked best for me. Which was fine. I just wanted it to be Aj instead of him. 

However, I understood tremendously about how Aj needed his space at the moment and I am in little to no position to dictate who AJ speaks to, or who he even wants to associate with. I'm not entirely sure. There was only one thing on my mind as I watched Ace place down his card to pay, a movie and a ride home. I wasn't entirely sure which home would become mine now. I watched my wildest dreams come true and then dissolve into space like it was nothing, but he wasn't here. Jaden wasn't here. None of anything I've done over tyhe past few weeks ahs he been invited too or included. My mind was all over the place and I wasn't entirely sure what the hell I was doing. 

I don't want to accept I'm getting older and thinking about how I might just settle down and get married. Or maybe I'll escape into an airplne and never look back. I still had dreams, but I want my friends with me. I didn't want me, Aj, Ace, Kylo, and Tony to lose. There were no expectations in this little family we built but there most certainly was a piece of me wondering if me and Miles would ever meet again in the after life.

By the time we pulled back in, my feet suddenly grew minds of their own and slowly treaded me upstairs as I went into my bedroom and cuddled a pillow as I sobbed into it. Knowing Miles will never be able to share his mistakes in experiments, failures in chem class, and his glorys of the drug dealing days. I had no option but to keep moving on. It wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want anyone to die.

I cried harder inot the pillow. I cried so hard, my voie went horse to suddenly, entirely gone. Knowing we all relied on Miles to hold us together, All he needed was his friend and that moment will forever haunt me in my dreams and my day-to-day life. 

There was no escape from this cruel, curel, world.