my heart can never trust again

chapter 34

I wake up from my nap and take a long shower before wearing Bayanda's pajamas. I then head downstairs to get some water, my head is not pounding anymore but my eyes are sore, red and swollen.

I make the bed and get in it before scrolling on socials. Ever since I posted my wedding photos, I have gained about 50k followers and 30k on the other social media app. I have been doing so good.

I have also been posting a lot of daily content. I'm thinking of making some kind of income from this.

Anyway, I'm in my bed scrolling on my socials when Bayanda walks in. He goes into the shower and comes out. He wears his pajamas and sits on the couch, totally ignoring my existence.

I get up and grab his clothes which he was wearing today. They reek of alcohol.

Me: Bayanda, you were drinking?
Baya: no.
Me: then how do you explain the smell of alcohol on your clothes?
Baya: I don't know.
Me: Bayanda?
Baya: what, Mapula?

He says in the most calm voice I have ever heard.

Me: nothing?
Baya: nothing? I am glad that you think everything is okay.
Me: what is that supposed to mean?
Baya: I don't know, you tell me. Mapula, you went out to the club with your friends. I think you know very well that I do not approve of that. I let that slide. then you don't come back home, I let that slide too. you ignored all my calls, my texts and now, you rock up with your ex and he drops you off right outside our marital home! the ex that you cheated on me with, Mapula! the ex that is the reason why we hit rough patches in our relationship in the first place.
Me: that's not fair.
Baya: then what is?! what is? tell me, Mapula so that I can rectify all that I'm doing wrong so much so that I'm so not fair. what's fair? hurting me repeatedly, huh?
Me: Bayanda, you do not get to do that!
Baya: do what?! what am I doing?!
Me: nothing happened between Nkosana and I.
Baya: and how would I know that?
Me: so you don't trust me?
Baya: are you trying to gaslight me?
Me: no!
Baya: don't raise your voice at me, man!
Me: you know what? I am tired!
Baya: tired?
Me: yes! I am tired! I am tired of coming home from school to a cold bed, a cold husband, having meals alone, being avoided by my own husband! I feel as much pain as you are feeling right now.
Baya: don't bring my child into this.
Me: your child is also my child. a child that I carried! a soul that I felt inside of me.

Our argument continues as we throw painful comments at each other, our voices only getting louder with each thing that we say.

Bayanda looks at me, looking livid and absolutely broken.

Baya: I'm done.

He walks out and slams the door. I throw myself on the floor and scream before having a breakdown.

I stay on the floor for hours, just crying. I get up two hours later and get into bed and I continue crying.