Fragments Of Love Series Part 1 : Toxic Love [ SandRay - Only Friends ]

It Hurts

Sand,
today the new one came to our ward. His name is Black, he doesn't talk much and sits there alone most of the time. But he is my age, at least somewhat. All the others here are 10 - 15 years older than me. I keep getting chants pushed at me like "So young and hooked on the bottle." "So young and already wasting life." The sayings do something to me. They make me angry and sad. How can these old gentlemen think they have the right to judge. As if I had chosen this whole thing. Like I woke up one morning thinking "today is a good day to get depressed." I hate their arrogant faces. On top of that, they all find it particularly amusing that I'm rich. "Money won't protect you from becoming a psycho." Grown ass men in their 40s say something like that, think about it, Sand.
You realize I'm angry today, but I'm allowed to be from time to time.

Sand sat with Nick at the breakfast table and read the letter which had arrived that morning. Now and then he threw a few deprecating glances at Boston. He didn't like the fact that Nick had gotten involved with this idiot again. But Sand felt it was not his place to talk, Nick was adult enough to make his own decisions. "Those fucking Assholes!" Sand exclaimed as he read the section about Ray's fellow patients.

"Congratulations Sand, you have successfully murdered the sausage on your plate with your fork." Laughed Nick as he pointed at the fork which stuck straight up in Sand's sausage.

"Oh." Sand forced a laugh to his face. "Poor sausage."

"Is everything all right?" Nick looked worried, even Boston looked at Sand in a way he'd never seen the other look at him

"It's nothing. I'm just not that hungry. I think I'd better go to my room." Sand got up, put the letter in his pants pocket, and put away his dishes. Nick and Boston gave each other a look that meant something like, "Are we really supposed to believe him?"

In his room Sand threw himself on the bed and took out the letter from his trouser pockets.

But enough of my stupid rant. Thank you for the photos. They all hang on my pinboard here in the room. Most of all, thank you for all the pictures of you. I love looking at them before I go to sleep. It's like falling asleep next to you.

You told me that Boston has sort of moved in with you. Is living with him working out? Are there any problems between you? Has Mew managed to come over to your place in the meantime? 

Does Cheum ask about me ?

I also got a letter from Mew, I was very happy about that.

By the way, I brought up the issue of visiting rights. I might be able to apply for it in two weeks, depending on how I behave in therapy, of course. I would really like to see you, Sand. Six weeks without you is a really long time.

Love Ray.

PS: I miss you.

I miss you too. Oh how I miss you. Sand smoothed out the letter and folded it before placing it in a wooden box. Smiling, he looked at the things inside. A movie ticket, from their first official date. Ray's rings, which he wasn't allowed to keep at the clinic. Some photos of them together and Ray alone. Memories of another life, a life before rehab. Sand sighed and closed the lid of the box. If Ray was released, everything would be different, they would have to re-navigate their lives, re-sort everything. Sand had firmly resolved to give up alcohol, as well, as not to make things so difficult for Ray. His plum wine business had been history since their big fight anyway, and he hadn't had weed in his apartment since then either. Sand ruffled his hair.
Ray would return to shambles, and Sand had not yet had the heart to tell him that none of his friends were really talking to each other. Nick and Boston were preparing to emigrate to the United States together. Boston wanted to study photography there and Nick wanted to try to find work at one of the big animation studios.
Mew had been appointed manager of the hostel by Ray, and of course Top gave him a hand, after all he had enough experience. Even though Ray and Top still didn't get along very well, the whole Boeing situation had changed something in their attitude towards each other. They were too busy to meet up with anyone but themselves.
Neither of them had heard from Cheum. She had turned her back on her friends after the whole Atom situation, because the other's had talked it out with Boston.
Sand crossed his arms under his head. And him? He had only gotten into the whole thing because he was trying to stop a totally drunk Ray from driving, anyway. Sand shook his head, a soft smile on his lips. His eyes fell on the alarm clock on his nightstand. Two more hours until he had to be at the Yolo Bar, even if he didn't go there as a customer anymore, he still had to make a living somehow.
Sand closed his eyes, wondering how he and Ray would manage once the other got out of Rehab. The Yolobar was the last place on earth Sand wanted Ray to go to. But it was his workplace and Sand knew that Ray would be sitting there, in one of the chairs right in front of the stage, looking at him with those sparkling puppy eyes.

"How are you holding up?" Yo pressed a non-alcoholic beer into Sand's hand. The latter accepted it gratefully.

"Good so far. Why does everyone ask me that?" Sand took a sip of the drink and leaned against the bar.

"Maybe because your boyfriend's been in rehab for two months, you haven't seen each other since, and you look like you're about to burst into tears." Yo put a hand on Sand's shoulder and looked at him sympathetically.

"He....he's not my..." Tears came to Sand's eyes. He took a deep breath and wiped them away with his hand. "He's not my boyfriend." As soon as the words crossed his lips, Sand couldn't control his emotions. Yo pulled him into his arms, stroking his head and making Sand cry until he had no tears left. "I miss him...I miss him so much." Sand murmured as he gently pulled back from Yo's embrace. "I just had him, after all, and now it feels like I've lost him again."

"Sand." Yo stroked Sand's hair. "It was your idea. And it was a good decision. Ray needs to work on himself now to heal."

"I know, Yo...but it hurts so much to miss him."