fade to black | james hetfield [1]

twenty one

chapter twenty one: on the road again

Unfortunately, the time never came for James to come to Iris and formally apologize to her.

Before he knew it, the new album had come out and the band was scheduled to start going on tour soon. He thought that if he went on the tour, he would be able to get his mind off of her. 

Just like the last time, he didn't find it in him to tell her that he was going to be away. It wasn't because he was still mad at her. It was mostly because he wouldn't find it in him to leave if he saw her again.

All he wanted more than anything was to see her again. He wanted to hold her, tell her how much he missed her, tell her how much of an asshole he was for putting her through all this. 

But after it was all said and done, he would have to leave again, and he couldn't do that to her. It would be like giving her false hope, and that wasn't fair.

He didn't know how long he would be away. He had no idea if he was even going to return to this place after the tour was over. It was hard to say goodbye.

That didn't mean he wasn't going to fight for her. While the future was uncertain, he was going to promise himself that he would go back to her, even if she was six feet under. 

But in the meantime, he prepared to go on tour with the band. He swore he would try and fix things, but it all happened so fast. He never managed to find the time for her. 

Alice wasn't happy that James was going away, and her anger was fueled by the stunt he pulled at the cabin. He didn't really care all that much. In fact, he couldn't wait to get away from her. 

"Why are you getting angry about this anyway? This is something I've been wanting to do, and you should know that." James said to her as they argued about the touring situation.

Alice scoffed and crossed her arms. "Because I've been here for you since the start and you're going to choose something over me again?" She shot back. 

James looked at her in disbelief. He was reminded of her controlling ways from way back. For someone who wasn't even his girlfriend, he didn't have the patience to put up with it.

"You thought I would give up my dreams because of you? After all the stuff you've been doing lately?" He started laughing in her face. "Yeah okay." He said sarcastically.

Alice wasn't happy to hear that. "Fuck you, James! We're done!" She yelled before grabbing her things and leaving, shoving her middle finger in his face.

James wasn't even phased by her reaction, having been used to her blow-ups at this point. He watched as she stormed out without another word.

He got angry with himself again, wondering why everyone and everything seemed to be against him right now. It never felt that way whenever he was with Iris. 

He didn't know how good he had it with Iris up until that point. What he would give just to be able to drive to her house and voice all his frustrations without fear of judgment or being pushed to the side.

The night before they were set to leave on their tour, he drove by her house again. He parked his car at a distance, sitting and hoping that maybe he would get to see her.

The lack of movement and lighting in her apartment made him wonder if she was even home. It didn't look like anyone had visited or gone into her apartment for a long time and it made him fear the worst. 

His wish to see her pretty face one last time never came true. He still didn't have the heart to knock on her door.

James had to wake up early tomorrow to leave with the rest of the band in the morning. If he could, he would've stood there all night, just waiting to see her even if it was just for a couple of seconds. 

But instead, he went home that night disappointed in the outcome of the day. He didn't understand why he couldn't just go up to her and apologize, it wasn't that hard. 

The next morning came and the most James could do was express his pretend excitement for the next couple of months, even if it was killing him on the inside. 

As he climbed into the back of a van, he watched as the trees passed by, leaving behind all of the memories he had made over the last couple of months with the sweet girl of his nightmares. 

Apologizing was going to be a constant battle in his head. And the longer it took, the more their relationship would suffer.