fade to black | james hetfield [1]

twenty

chapter twenty: i don't wanna be me

James shot up in his sleep again, beads of sweat dripping down his face. He wasn't sure how he ended up back in the cabin, but he had fallen asleep on the couch, a half-empty beer bottle on the floor.

He groaned in frustration as he became aware of his surroundings again, reminding himself that it was just a nightmare. The guilt of leaving Iris never failed to catch up to him and he buried his face in his hands.

Kirk, who had been in the kitchen, was watching the whole thing happen right in front of him. Feeling concerned for his friend, he asked, "Dude, are you okay?"

James jolted and snapped his head toward Kirk, not expecting to see him there. "How long have you been standing there?" He asked.

Kirk shrugged. "Like a couple minutes. No one else is awake." He replied, deciding to munch on some potato chips that had been on the counter.

James let out a deep sigh and laid back on the couch, the nightmare still fresh in his mind. He would be stuck in a daze every time it happened, unable to get the image of her face out of his head.

Everything from the night before came back to him, from Alice kissing him to leaving and getting even more drunk on his own. He didn't want to be at this stupid cabin anymore.

When Alice woke up that morning, she didn't bother to say anything to James, keeping her distance. She was disappointed that she didn't get what she wanted out of last night.

The rest of them could tell that something happened between James and Alice, but they weren't going to question it. All they knew was that James was having some crazy girl problems lately. 

As much as he wanted to get home and have the dreams end, James had no intention of visiting Iris. He wouldn't know what he would say to her and he wasn't sure if he was ready to see her again.

He knew what he did was wrong and he wanted to make things right. But what if she never wanted to see him again? The thought of it made him scared, he didn't want to ever lose Iris. 

Once they got back home, James drove by her house, still contemplating whether or not it would be a good idea. He sat in his car for some time, wondering what she could be doing.

After some time, he ultimately gave up, saving his apology for another day. If that day would even come.

For now, James went home and took the Misfits record that Iris gave him before he walked out on her. He placed it on his record player and laid back on his couch, sighing deeply as he thought about her.

As for Iris, she became worse as the days progressed. She was still attempting to go to work for a distraction, but her manager would send her home, concerned for her well-being.

She hated it because then she would be stuck with her thoughts at home. She would cry until she couldn't cry anymore and randomly wake up on the floor, unable to remember how she even got there.

She wasn't sure how many days had passed, but she knew that it had been an eternity. It was turning into a blur, she didn't even know what day of the week it was. She needed to get over it at some point, but it was hard when he went out the way that he did.

And even though she still hated him, she knew deep down that all of that would disappear the minute she would see him. He didn't know it, but it would be the first time someone cared about her enough to come back.

She lay there in her bed, surrounded by cold and complete darkness. She had no more tears left to cry, simply staring at the blank wall in front of her as she hoped for the day he would come back.

Until then, they were on their own, left wondering about how the other person must be feeling. They weren't sure what would be the best method to come back to each other, and they were afraid that it might never happen.

Iris would continue to blame herself for getting into this situation in the first place. If she never put her walls up and took her insecurities out on James, he could still be there with her.

James knew he was at fault too. Alice came into his life and he hurt Iris in the process, knowing full well that she would be up to no good. Iris had changed his life in more ways than one and he threw that all away for some past lover.

Whether or not that would bring them back to each other was something that they would let their fears decide.