fade to black | james hetfield [1]

twenty six

chapter twenty six: if you want me to wait, i will wait for you

As James put the phone back down into the receiver, he sat there in silence, not sure what to make of what just happened.

He thought he would never get to see her again, or even talk to her. He hurt her, and he didn't even know how badly he hurt her. He didn't think he was deserving of her forgiveness.

He didn't know why he was going to give her a second chance. She tried to push him away from the beginning and he reached his breaking point. Maybe he should take her advice to leave her alone for good. 

But at the same time, he couldn't do that to her. He couldn't continue to hurt her this way, even if he still felt some bitterness towards her for the things she said.

All he wanted the most was to see her again. He wanted it for the longest time, and yet, he still didn't feel ready for when that time would come.

There was the lingering fear of whether or not things would be okay. James wanted things to be okay, but he wasn't sure if that was going to be the case when they would see each other face to face.

Maybe Iris would realize in the moment it was a bad idea and she would distance herself from him again. She would put her walls up again and disappear for good, even if he feared that the most.

Iris was just so different from everyone else. There were people in a situation similar to hers, but there was something about her specifically that James couldn't let go of. 

James was the first person to ever make Iris feel like she belonged. He was one of the first to genuinely be her friend and treat her like anyone else. She deserved all of that, and James made sure she got it.

And while he did yell things at her that he should've never said, he only did it because he cared for her too much. He didn't want to lose her over something so trivial, and he didn't want it to ruin their relationship now.

He wished that he could see her right this second, just to hold her and tell her how much of an asshole he's been and how much he missed her. Even if she said it was okay, he was never going to let her hear the end of it.

James came back into the room to rejoin the band and they could all see the conflicted look on his face. "Hey man, are you okay? What was that phone call all about?" Kirk spoke up first. 

James looked up to see the rest of the band looking at him with concerned looks on their faces as well. "It was nothing, just a friend calling." He shrugged it off.

They could tell he was lying again. Kirk had been bugging him throughout the entire phone call and he knew it was more important than he was letting on. So did Lars and Cliff.

"Was it your girlfriend calling again, or is that officially over?" Cliff asked, trying to mess with James a bit. He was mainly talking about Alice, but James wasn't going to admit to them that he was actually talking to Iris.

James shook his head, laughing a bit. "No, it wasn't her," He admitted. "It was just a regular phone call, don't worry about it." James said.

The band wouldn't press him on it further and they forgot about it right after the conversation was over. They were more focused on the show they had ahead of them.

Still, James couldn't get the conversation he had with Iris out of his head. Sometimes he would even smile to himself thinking about her. 

After performing another show, the band had to leave right away and start heading to the next city. They couldn't complain, they were going to bring the adrenaline from the concert and party on the bus for the rest of the night.

James went along with their antics for a little while, just the four of them, but it didn't take long for the exhaustion to hit. Finishing off another beer, he had fallen asleep on the bus.

While James was asleep, he slipped into one of his nightmares again. He hadn't suffered from one since the tour started, but it had come back suddenly and more violent than before.

He had no memory of what even happened during the dream, but he had shot out of his sleep yelling, causing the rest of the band to look at him with wide eyes as they were startled by his sudden reaction.

"Dude, seriously, are you okay?" Cliff asked after a brief silence. They all sat there staring at James, who had been shaken up by the violent dream once again. 

"Yeah, you were freaking out and woke up screaming right in front of us." Lars added on, sounding genuinely concerned for his friend.

After James calmed himself down, he looked back at the band. "Yeah, I'm fine, I swear." He said quickly, getting up to go lie down on one of the beds instead of staying on the couch. 

The band watched as he disappeared to the back. James laid down on his bed, closing his eyes and hoping he could go back to sleep peacefully, thinking of his special girl.