fade to black | james hetfield [1]

thirty four

chapter thirty four: the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist

Iris was doing okay for the first couple of weeks when James left. It was easier than the last time, given that their situation was a bit different now. At least she had closure this time.

But it didn't take long for the loneliness to creep in again, her mind trying to convince her that James was never going to come back, no matter how much she tried to believe otherwise.

It didn't help that the weather was starting to get colder, so she would be stuck at home left alone with her thoughts for hours on end. She hated feeling like this and she didn't have enough strength to fight back. 

Her personal demons returned, and she wasn't prepared to deal with them again. James kept her distracted for all this time, but now that he wasn't here, she was in a vulnerable place.

James's absence had something to do with it, but even while he was here, they were taunting her in the deepest corners of her mind.

Eventually, Iris lost all the motivation she had to write back to him. It wasn't because she didn't want to, but her mind had been clouded in complete darkness to the point where she simply forgot.

She still liked to hear from him and read the letters, but she couldn't find it in her to respond. She didn't want James to worry about her while he was away, so she stopped writing.

That wasn't to say she didn't try to grab a piece of paper and write something, because she did. The problem was that nothing ever came out. She would start crying from frustration or stare at the blank page in front of her, not sure what to say. 

The letters kept coming in despite the lack of responses from Iris's end. James assumed it was just because the mail delivery had been behind and she wasn't getting anything for a while. 

He kept happily writing the letters, making sure to tell her to keep him updated on how long it was taking the letters to get there so he wouldn't have to send so many at a time.

But days passed and she never responded.

James understood that it would most likely take a couple of days for her to respond. She also had a job and bills to pay, so she could be a bit busy.

But she wasn't that busy. He didn't want to sound like that obsessed and clingy boyfriend, but James knew her, all she did was go to work and go home. It shouldn't take this long.

So the next time he had access to a phone, he decided to try calling instead. She didn't answer, and he decided to leave her a message, assuming she was at work.

Iris listened to the voicemail that he left, but she never got back to him. It wasn't because she didn't want to call him back, but she was afraid that doing so would only make her feel worse.

He was miles away and the last thing Iris wanted to do was vent her problems to him and get him worried. She was scared that the minute she spoke, it was going to be a dead giveaway that something was wrong. 

It didn't make sense because James was going to be more worried over the fact that she wasn't responding rather than how she was feeling mentally. But it was easier for her to not talk about her feelings.

James still kept calling whenever he could, but he realized that if she wasn't going to be answering the phone, she wasn't going to be answering the letters either. 

That familiar sinking feeling of not knowing if she was okay or not came back almost instantly. This wasn't supposed to be happening, they left on good terms this time.

He hoped that her lack of communication was because of something that wasn't in her control and not because she was hiding something from him. James tried not to let his worries get the best of him, trying to focus on the tour instead. 

While the four of them were taking a break from rehearsing for their next show, Cliff decided to break the ice. "James, are you alright? You don't look so good."

The band could tell something was wrong. He was too restless and his mind was elsewhere anytime they were together.

"Iris hasn't responded to me," He sighed deeply, his leg bouncing nervously. "I feel like something's wrong." He explained. He spilled his guts to them about Iris plenty of times, and this wasn't any different.

"You're probably worrying over nothing," Kirk spoke up. "For all we know, she could be hanging out with another guy." Kirk laughed, trying to make light of the situation.

James groaned and buried his face in his hands at the thought of that too. Lars and Cliff looked at Kirk, whisper-shouting at him and asking why he would think it was a good idea to say that. 

"Don't worry about it. There's only two weeks left of the tour and you can go back and see her right away." Lars reassured him. 

James sighed deeply. "I hope so." He muttered to himself. They were right. The tour was adding to his stress and he was probably worrying over nothing.

So James would wait the two weeks and hope for the best. But things might take a bit longer. 

He had to make a pit stop before seeing Iris.