From Barcelona To...

Chapter 94 - Up and Down

Leah's P.O.V

It has been 3 weeks exactly since this new chapter in my life started and tomorrow is the day I can hopefully try and move forward, properly. Tomorrow is surgery day. I'm currently at home with Mum, Ellie is away with Arsenal as the team are playing Brighton away tonight.

The last few weeks have been a bit up and down, its been rough. But also a little frustrating, I have been rehabbing my knee whilst waiting for surgery, it seemed a waste of time. I knew it wasn't, but it was frustrating. I listened and did what I was told but ultimately I just wanted the surgery to be done so I could really start to move forward on this journey. My emotions were pretty up and down, but I was feeling more positive about it, at the end of the day, it is what it is. I believe in fate and everything happens for a reason, as shit as it is, this is just the time that's been chosen for me. I'm feeling anxious about the surgery tomorrow, but in a weird way, I'm also feeling quite excited. Although Ellie is away currently, she will be back later tonight after the game and is coming with me tomorrow, which I'm very grateful for.

To be honest, Ellie has been amazing. Everyone has. Everyone has rallied around, but the majority of the load falling to my Mum and Ellie. Majority of the time, Ellie and I have still been on the same training schedule, in terms of when we were required to be at the training centre so Ellie was able to take me to and from training, and if we weren't on the same schedule than my mum chipped in with chauffeuring me about. Although I was still pretty mobile, it was difficult and I couldn't do as much as I normally would obviously, Ellie and Mum doing the majority of the cooking (not that Ive ever been any good at cooking anyway) and cleaning around the house too. Ellie has stayed at mine almost every night since this happened, apart from when she flew to Germany with the team to play Wolfsburg away, and although that was literally the weekend after my injury and of course, I really wanted her, I was actually kind of glad she went, I needed a bit of space, a bit of quiet time to think and come to terms with it all. I also think, even though she was very reluctant about going, it was probably good for her too, it was still very much raw at that point.

Ellie couldn't have done enough for me, she's supported me, helped me, consoled me, cheered me up, made me laugh...she loved me. And I loved her, more than anything. It hasn't all been plain sailing though, we have definitely had the odd bicker, usually over something trivial and luckily it never lasted long, nor did it turn into an argument. I do worry about her though, tonight will be the 6th game she has played in 3 weeks, never mind all the previous games before that too, games have been thick and fast since after the Christmas break and there are still 3 more games to play before the season ends in 2 and a half weeks time. There is no way Ellie can continue doing what she is doing. She is giving her all for the team, in training and in games. But she is also giving her all to me, driving me around, taking me to appointments, looking after me at home, picking me up when I'm having a bad day and doing her best to put a smile back on my face. She's not said anything to me about it and she's not moaned about it, not once, but once I've had my surgery, for at least a week after, its going to be tough. I'm going to struggle to do even the basic of tasks. And I just don't think its fair to put that on her, when she's already juggling a million things.

There is another thing that's been playing on my mind too...football. Not me. But Ellie. Ellie pretty much avoids talking to me about anything football related. I get it. I get why she would feel like that, and I've probably had a part to play in that because of certain things I've maybe said when I've been upset about the situation I'm in, but just over a week ago, Arsenal were playing Wolfsburg at the Emirates in the second leg of the semi final, after managing to come back from 2-0 down away at Wolfsburg to finish the game 2-2. Games like Champions League are what we play the game for, obviously Ellie has previously won the Champions League with Barcelona, but that doesn't stop the hunger in any player to want to win more. I felt like I was taking away her excitement for the game, its like she maybe feels like she is treading on egg shells when it comes to anything related to football with me. I get that. But it doesn't stop me feeling sad or guilty about it, of course I still support her, and the team. Not also forgetting, that although it's heartbreaking to think about for me, there is a World Cup coming up, a World Cup in which I fully expect Ellie to be a part of...Not that she has said one word to me about it.