To See You Again (Chuuya Nakahara x Reader x Dazai Osamu)

Chapter Nine

Y/n was sitting on the roof of the Port Mafia building alone, a cigarette held loosely between the index and middle finger of her hand. She was transfixed by the ember burning brightly at its tip, deep in thought. That was how Chuuya found her. It hadn't occurred to him that his spot might be occupied when he decided he needed a break and went up to the roof for a cigarette of his own.

"When did you start smoking?" 

Shaken from her reveries, Y/n slowly moved her hand to her mouth and took a long drag.

"Around the same time I left the Mafia. Why?"

"Just curious."

Sitting down beside her, he lit his own.

"Well, what about you? Or, more important than when, why did you?"

"Sounds like you're interrogating me. Try again."

It was a game of sorts they had begun to play, Chuuya's own wild attempt at teaching the girl beside him to be more human. She sighed.

"Dearest Chuuya, why is it that you smoke? I'm ever so curious." she sarcastically responded.

He laughed and she rolled her eyes.

"Well, darling Y/n," he began playfully, pausing to take a drag, "I started smoking because of how much that suicidal maniac got on my nerves. Gave me an excuse to get away from him."

"What a bad habit to have caught yourself in." she mused, eyes fixed on the skyline as the sun set behind it.

The world was a mess of soft oranges and dark blues. The last rays of light shined on her hair, kissed her skin with such a gentle warmth. 

"I've always loved sunsets. They're much better than sunrises." she stated suddenly, putting the butt of her cigarette out on the ground beside her before leaning back on her hands.

She looked over at Chuuya only to meet his eyes.

"Caught staring at me once again."

Chuuya shrugged.

"Why did you start smoking?" it was his turn to look out at the city now.

"We all need to kill ourselves a little bit sometimes."

"Rather an overplayed and dramatic statement to have made it in to your repertoire."

"Things don't have to be new for them to be real."

"Smoking does not kill you for certain. Even when it does lead you down that path, it is a long and painful one. It's an arbitrary, ineffective thing to have chosen if that's your end goal."

"You kill your annoyance, I kill my fear. Everyone kills the parts of themselves that make it difficult to survive in one way or another."

They fell into a comfortable silence only to be broken by Chuuya as he put his own cigarette out the same way Y/n had a few minutes before.

"It's hard to picture you afraid." he admitted.

"And I smoke. See? It's working."

"What is it you're so afraid of?" he finished, not allowing her teasing to keep him from his question.

She fell silent once again and he was half afraid she was going to get up and walk away. He knew the question was pushing it when he had asked it, he couldn't help himself. She was like a puzzle box with something hidden at the center. He wanted the prize.

"I don't want to talk about that." she said at last.

"Normally you would just leave if that was the case, but you're not leaving."

"No, I'm not leaving." she agreed.

Chuuya looked over to see that Y/n had pulled her knees to her chest and was now sitting with her arms wrapped around them. Her skin had begun to turn slightly blue around the tips of her fingers from the chill of the air. The color crept up under her nail beds and she didn't seem to realize that she had begun picking at the skin around them.

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

She turned to look at him, an odd, questioning look in her eyes.

"What did you mean to happen then?"

"I hoped I'd learn something new about you, and I did. As I said, you intrigue me."

"And what exactly did you learn."

His gaze fell to her hands for a moment. It was so quick a glance that Y/n barley seemed to notice it.

"Nothing that would matter to you."

"You're making me feel like you're plotting to kill me." 

"And what would you do if I was?"

"I beat you when I was locked in chains. I could do it again, no issue."

"So self confident."

"How else would I have survived this long if I was not entirely sure of myself and my abilities?"

"If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?" 

The question had come out of nowhere and Chuuya saw a thread of shock shoot through Y/n's expression. She was good at hiding things, but he was getting better at reading her. She looked back out at the city.

"Finding new ways to word your question wont yield the answer you're looking for."

"Would you have changed anything?"

She thought for a moment.

"I don't think so. No singular change would have really made too much of a difference. It's all about the way the choices, the events of a life, intermingle. There is no one thing that would render a culmination any truly different."

"What if you had joined the Agency when you defected?"

"I wouldn't have ended up back here. Or maybe I would have, who is to say." she sighed deeply, noting the deep sense of dissatisfaction emanating from Chuuya beside her, "I left because I wanted to belong to no one. I wanted to be mine, and mine alone. It was an impossibility, there is no use thinking about it."

"You don't think you belong to yourself?"

"Does anyone who lives in a place like this really belong to themselves?"

Chuuya couldn't figure out if she was talking about the Port Mafia, organizations in general, or the world as a whole.

"What about you? Would you change anything?"

He had forgotten, things always had to be equal with Y/n. Chuuya would never get anything out of the sheltered woman without giving something in return. 

"I don't think so, no." he admitted, "I like where I am now, the life I live. It wouldn't be what it is without everything that came before it."

"You wouldn't even have wished for Dazai to stay? Or to have never been brought into this place?"

Chuuya scoffed. 

"Of course I have wished for things like that. Wouldn't you have wished your father never died or that someone else had been responsible for your upbringing?"

"What is there to wish for." Y/n shrugged, "I wouldn't even know where to begin when dreaming of a life like that. I would have no frame of reference for it."

She stood abruptly.

"Leaving so soon."

"I'm tired. I'll see you tomorrow."

Disappearing through the door back into the building, Y/n left Chuuya in thought. She always had a way of getting more out of him than he got out of her in these little exchanges of theirs. Chuuya was getting better at getting her to talk, but he was still left entirely unsatisfied every time. 

Sitting in the night air, the sun completely set now, he wondered if she felt the same sense of freedom he felt when up on the roof. Like he was above it all, like everything was manageable. 

"What are you doing to my head."