To See You Again (Chuuya Nakahara x Reader x Dazai Osamu)

Chapter Nineteen

Dazai stopped by Y/n's apartment the next morning to walk her to work. It was something they did every morning, walking to work together. Dazai claimed it was part of his role of keeping an eye on her, he said he was making sure she wasn't working as a double agent. Y/n knew better. She knew that Dazai knew better too, that any one of the thousands of seconds she spent alone at night or getting ready in the morning could be full of unauthorized contact with the enemy. She didn't question it however.

"Alright." she said as they waited to cross the street to the Agency building, breaking the silence that had blanketed them the rest of the time, "I will try."

"What constituted this change of heart?"

The light was red now and they began to walk again.

"I've always been good at making the most of where I am. Why should this be any different?"

----

Y/n had begun to open up a bit to the other Agency members. She was not close with them by any stretch of the imagination, but the beginnings of friendship were starting to bloom here and there. She had even gone so far as to bring a handmade lunch in for Yosano after the doctor had mentioned she hadn't had a home-cooked meal in ages. 

It wasn't easy for her. There were some aspects she almost enjoyed but, overall, it had felt like a tedious mission she'd been assigned to. While in a sense it was, Y/n knew she shouldn't think about it that way. She had said she would try after all.

Finding quiet in the Agency was a tough job. Now that she was involved in everything a little bit more, Y/n found she craved peace more as well. That was how the routine started, as an attempt for peace.

Every two hours, sometimes a little more and sometimes a little less, she would step outside the building to have a cigarette. It was the worst her bad habit had ever been, but she needed it now. As long as it served its purpose, whether that was fighting fear or procuring peace, she didn't care.

During her smoke breaks, her mind tended to wander to the oddest things. Y/n let it. Daydreaming was something she hadn't allowed herself to do in a long time. Mostly, she thought of things from the past, but now and then she began to let little glimpses of possible futures slip in.

"Another smoke break I see." Dazai commented, walking up to the place she stood leaned against the wall.

He had been exiting the Agency, ready to go home for the day, when he had spotted her standing there.

"Yep." Y/n answered, taking a drag of her cigarette.

"You seem to be taking a lot of those."

"They call it an addiction for a reason."

It was clear to Dazai that she was in no mood for talking, but he didn't pay the observation any mind.

"It's getting late."

She looked up to the sky, noting the orange hue the sunset gave it.

"I suppose it is."

"Would you like to come over for dinner?"

The question grabbed her attention and for the first time since his approach, Y/n looked at Dazai.

"No." she said after a moments thought.

"And why not?"

"Because you want something from me, you wouldn't have asked otherwise."

"Maybe I just wanted to chat, to get to know you a little better. You seem to be growing closer to everyone at the Agency except for me."

"Maybe it's because I don't like you."

Dazai laughed.

"You say it with the same force you once did, but your hearts not in it anymore."

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

Y/n took the last drag from her cigarette before dropping it to the ground and stamping it out with the heel of her shoe.

"You've changed. You're changing still."

"So is the rest of the world." she sighed, taking her weight from the wall so she stood straight. Y/n watched the cars drive past them. "Did you think I would be any different?"

"I thought you might."

Y/n scoffed.

"Let me make you dinner." Dazai said, more declaration than question.

"No, I don't think I will."

"Why not, are you scared?"

There was a devilish joy to his words.

"Go home Dazai." Y/n said without turning to face him before walking back into the Agency building, leaving him alone on the sidewalk.

He watched her until the door shut firmly behind her before shrugging. 

It was a thoroughly pleasant evening. Dazai walked home, the weather calm and cold, the streetlights bouncing off the dark storefronts as he went. He made himself a lovely bowl of chicken curry with rice, and settled down on his couch with a new book. Completely ideal, in his mind.

Once Y/n returned to her desk, she let out a sigh at the site of the unfinished work there. After a minute, she shook her head softly and grabbed her coat off the back of her chair, throwing it over her shoulders. Waving to Kunikida who was finishing up his own work, she left in silence. 

The quiet cold was something she usually found comforting but, tonight it ate away at her. The simple meal she made for herself served only to make her more restless.

She couldn't get Dazai's words out of her head, his lack of expectations for her. It was infuriating. He expected himself to be so versatile, so constantly shifting, so in tune with the world but part of him had not expected Y/n to keep up. There were a lot of things Y/n disliked. Harsh winds for one, the texture of eggplant for another. Being underestimated had always teetered on the edge of falling into place beside them.

Of course, the satisfaction was endless when some enemy thought her unworthy, only to realize far too late that they had no idea who they were up against. It was different when it came to expectations. Expectations were a subcategory to estimation, the way she saw it. Estimation was mostly about fighting, pulling of schemes, and the like. Expectations were more about worth, what people thought you could achieve. They were much more personal.

Dazai had no expectations for her. There were estimations, they abounded. Y/n could tell that from the exchanges they had shared throughout the past six months. He had sized her up like she was a potential opponent the minute he first saw her out the window. But now, they were on the same side. Now, he didn't seem sure of what she could achieve. He estimated she would find a place at the Agency, but he expected nothing of her. Not even change. It drove her mad.

Y/n's hands shook with the anger building up inside her as she washed her dishes. It was no surprise when one bowl cracked in her hand. She dropped it in the sink, further shattering it and watched the blood from her hand mingle with the soapy water. It wasn't like her to let someone get under her skin like this, Y/n didn't like it.

The change was good, she had continuously told herself, it was necessary. The change was what Chuuya wanted for her, wanted from her. That didn't stop it from feeling like there was someone else crawling into her skin, taking up residence within her, pushing the old Y/n out. It was hard not to fight a feeling like that one.

Dazai had been saying so many strange things to her on top of everything. Not that he hadn't always said strange things, just that they seemed to be getting to her now more than ever before. Who was he to tell her the shape of her life? 

She slammed her hands on the edge of her sink, blood now running down the metal of it and coloring the water even more. With an irritated grumble, she shut the water off, heading for the door.