Chapter Twenty Seven

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"I think you're beautiful."

They were sitting out on the balcony of Y/n's apartment, smoking cigarettes in the cold together. The tips of her fingers were blue, her cheeks flushed from the wind. It had come out of nowhere. They had been talking about how their weeks had been, the different assignments they had, the usual things they spoke of during their bi-monthly check ins.

"Where did that come from?"

Chuuya couldn't help the question from slipping out from between his teeth. He was too shocked to be grateful in the moment.

"Dazai and I were talking about the subjectivity of beauty the other day. I think you're beautiful."

He turned to look at her. Y/n's eyes were fixed intently upon him, Chuuya felt his cheeks grow warm and was thankful for the cold.

"And what was it that prompted that conversation?" he asked.

Y/n shrugged, moving her gaze back to the night sky above them. Chuuya watched her: head thrown back and eyes tracking the stars.

"He's been acting really odd lately." she admitted, "He asked me out on a date which I refused, and held my hand when we were walking to the Agency the other day. He told me I was dangerous and when I asked him what that meant, he said I was beautiful."

"Sly bastard." Chuuya grumbled, averting his gaze from her as his voice took on a softer tone, "He was right though, you are beautiful."

"How can I be beautiful?" she asked, "You know what I've done."

"Yes, I do." he affirmed, "That doesn't keep you from being beautiful."

"I feel like it should. Like the outside should reflect what is within."

"That's very Greek of you." Chuuya noted and Y/n let out a light laugh, "You're complicated Y/n, but all people are. Dirty hands don't stop someone from being... from being..." he struggled to find the words to say, the right words. They were there, somewhere, the words he could say without making either of them uncomfortable.

"From being..."

"Amazing." Chuuya said at last, abandoning his search and refusing to meet Y/n's questioning gaze, "From being wonderful, inside and out. You're proof of that, if anything."

"I think you're wonderful. Inside and out." Y/n said softly after a moment.

Chuuya looked over at her once again to find her sitting quietly, eyes fixed on her hands which were folded in her lap, her cigarette finished. They sat in silence for a few moments before Y/n spoke again, her voice the same soft, gentle, almost frightful tone she'd had when she had last opened her mouth.

"Dazai asked me a while ago what it was I knew about love."

Chuuya felt like someone had shot him, straight through the chest.

"What do you know?"

"I used to think I knew it all, I used to think that stories were the truth of it."

"The stories in the books you read?" Y/n nodded in response, "What do you think now?"

"That I know nothing, that I am looking into the heart of light, the silence."

"Is that T.S. Eliot you're quoting?" he teased and Y/n shot him a small smile.

"Maybe."

It was Chuuya's turn to laugh. He stood up, picking up his chair and moving it right next to hers before taking a seat again. Y/n glanced over at him for a short moment before fixing her gaze back on her hands. She had begun to pick at the edges of her nails.

Without thinking, Chuuya reached over and wrapped her cold, bare hands in his leather clad ones. Maybe it was the cigarettes, maybe it was the wine. Maybe it was just audacity, foolishness, the childish part of himself so well sheltered in his soul. It didn't matter.

Her hands stilled and Y/n looked up at him, her eyes wide and curious.

"You're tearing yourself apart." he said gently, hands still wrapped around hers.

"Everyone else has done it to me, why can't I do it to myself?" her tone was defensive but her eyes were soft.

"I don't want you to tear yourself apart. I don't want anyone to tear you apart, ever."

"Dazai said something similar to me back when I first joined the Agency. He told me he didn't want me to feel like I had a fear to kill here."

"The fear will always be there. Men like him don't understand that. They've always come at it from the other side. Always been feared, never been afraid."

"Are you saying you like my fear?"

Her question was a test, he could hear it in the way her tone had hardened. Her eyes flashed with gunmetal.

"I like your fear but only because its part of you and I like you. Of course I wish you weren't afraid, that you'd never had to be afraid but I can't change that. No one really can. Everyone has to learn to live on their own, but they don't have to be alone. I will take your fear and anything else you have to bring. It's all just part of you."

Y/n was speechless, her eyes wide and her jaw slightly open. He met her gaze, it felt like drowning.

"You're going to be the death of me, I can feel it." her voice was barley more than a whisper.

"I love you."

It wasn't what he had wanted to say. He had wanted to say something about her being his life, about her being a light in the dark for him. He had wanted it to be suave and gentle, not too much and not too little. It wasn't what he had wanted to say, but it was what anything else would have meant.

"I don't know if I love you." she said after a moment, her brow furrowed, "I don't know what to do with all these new... these new feelings. They're not something I've ever encountered, ever had the luxury of being allowed to have. I don't know where to put these new experiences. Nothing makes sense."

"Take your time, I'll stay."

Her hands were still in his and they could both tell Chuuya's words were nothing but honesty.

"It's all so confusing, Chuuya." Y/n said softly and it was then he noticed the tears running down her cheeks.

Chuuya had never seen her cry. He'd seen a lot of things from her: violence, joy, creativity, pain, but never tears. He wondered if anyone had ever seen her tears before him, or rather, if she had ever willingly given them to another person.

"I feel like I'm standing underneath this big wave, like its towering over me and about to crash any second. I can't run anymore, Chuuya. I've been running for so long, but the water has just gotten faster. It matches my speed now, I am going to drown. I... I am so scared Chuuya." Her voice broke as she said his name the second time.

He let go of her hands, pulling her forward into his chest and rubbing small circles onto her back. Y/n sobbed, hands gripping the fabric of his coat as if it was the only thing holding her to the earth.

"Promise you'll stay? No matter what?" she mumbled into his shirt once she had calmed down.

"I can't promise something like that," he sighed, "you know that. But I promise I will try."

Y/n sat up, wiping her puffy eyes.

"Pinky promise?"

She held her hand out tentatively to Chuuya, refusing to meet his gaze. He locked pinkies with Y/n without a moment's hesitation.

"Pinky promise."

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