when love dies [akkayan]

diying

Aye loves Akk. If you were to ask anyone who knows them, they would say that Aye is completely in love with Akk. It's an universal truth, everyone knows.

Since the moment the troublemaker promised to wait for Akk, for him to finally feel comfortable enough in his own skin to accept that kind of love, he has done nothing but love him, the best he knows how. He may have fucked up along the way, took some wrong turns, met some bumps on the road, but Ayan kept loving Akk trough it all.

And for a while, Akk loved him too. In his own imperfect way, with his own insecurities, but Akk did. Ayan always thought that would be enough.

Right now, looking down at the same cliff where his own uncle took his own life, he's not so sure. About anything. Feeling the wind on his face, Aye wonders if this is how Uncle Dika felt at that moment. Like nothing makes sense anymore, like the world is spinning around you, but you're just standing there, watching. Watching everyone live their lives, moving on, being happy. Leaving you behind without even noticing. And if that's the case, the world would keep spinning without you.y

Aye thinks about just letting go, falling, let his body go with the wind. Maybe the clouds will feel sorry for him, create a warm pillow behind his body, allow him to sleep forever. Not feeling anything. Or maybe he'll just close his eyes and death will take him before he even hits the ground. Would it hurt? Would someone even cry? His mom probably would, it would kill her to lose her own son, especially after losing her brother.

It's kind of ironic really, Ayan always worried about Akk being the one in this position, finally losing his battle against the pressure he lets the entire world put on his shoulders. But apparently Akk his stronger that Ayan. It's not as odd of a realization as it should be. Deep down, Aye always knew that was the case. With everything the taller boy had to endure back at Supalo.

Here's the thing, this pain, this emptiness, has always been inside Ayan, his entire life there was a dark cloud around him. His uncle was always able to make the light shine within, but after losing him, there was no one else to make Aye believe the sun could shine for him as well. Not until Akk. Helping Akk, loving Akk gave him enough strength to ignore the existence of that cloud for a while. Being loved by Akk gave him everything else. Akk always said Ayan saved him, but it was actually the other way around, being with Akk filled every empty space inside his soul, his heart. But now he doesn't have Akk anymore, and the cloud seems to get bigger everyday.

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

FLASHBACK

6 months ago

Ayan wants to study abroad, to travel the world. He always had, but now he doesn't want to go alone anymore. He never wants to do anything alone, the desire to share every aspect of his life with Akk wins everytime. So he makes a decision, and maybe he will regret it, one day. Or maybe he won't. No matter what, at least he has Akk. So instead of applying to university abroad, like he was supposed to, he chooses to stay in Thailand, with Akk, in the same university as the person he loves. They can travel after, together. For now, they can share a room, fall asleep in each other's arms every night, and wake up together every morning. That's enough, that's more than enough actually.

When classes start everything seems fine. Akk seems happy, so Aye is happy as well. The problem is, Akk doesn't want anyone to know they are together. And Aye understands, he really does, he knows how hard it can be to come out, to admit to the world that your kind of love is not what's considered normal, but they were out back at Supalo, after the fallout everybody knew they were together, and they never hid. Thua and Kan were out as well, and no one seemed to care really. So Aye doesn't get it, he understands, but he doesn't really get it. Maybe it still has something to do with Akk's insecurities and fears, so he decides to wait, to give his boyfriends time and stability, hoping that it's enough.