when love dies [akkayan]

finally talking

Ray POV

"Bigfoot..."

As soon as that world leaves my mouth I can feel both Mew and Top staring at me. Mew knows everything, Top does too, I realize, but he doesn't know that his Akk is the same as my Akk. Which means Top knew all along who Akk was talking about in his stories, without realizing it, but he knows my side as well. He's probably trying to put those versions together in his mind right now.

When I see Akk taking a step in our direction, I just run, Again. Away from the center, away from him.

I can hear Top preventing Mew from following me, something about someone needing to talk. But I'm not listening to anything anymore. I'm just running, and I can't breathe, and I'm crying so much I can't even see. I don't know where I'm going, I can feel my body giving out, suddenly I'm falling. Is this what death looks like? Everything is dark, I'm completely alone, and at the same time there's a million things happening around me.

What was that thing about panic attacks? Focusing on stuff? Is that it? Things you can see, or hear or feel...or something...but all I can feel is my lungs giving out, I can't see anything, my eyes are overflowing with tears. Akk, Akk was there right? I saw him.

Fuck, I can't breath...I can't...

When I open my eyes again, there's a weird light right above me, and I'm laying down. Am I at a hospital? Did I pass out? Did something happen?

"You should rest..." That voice. I know that voice. I don't remember hearing that voice. Why is Akk here?

"You were having a panic attack, I calmed you down a bit..."

Never thought he would still know how to do that.

"I'm so sorry..."

"You knew right? You knew I know Top, that's why you were never here."

Everything makes sense now. Why he never showed his face when I visited Top. He knew all this time I was coming here. Fuck, he has just been playing the entire time...probably laughing about me behind my back.

"Is that why you told all those lies? You wanted him to tell me about me? Hun, Akk? Is that it? You wanted to make me the bad guy for leaving?"

"I never lied, Aye." I can hear that he's crying, but I can't bring myself to even look at him. He's been telling my friend all this lies about how much he loves me, right after giving up on us so easily. It's not fair.

"That's not my name anymore."

Yeah, that's the part I choose to focus on. Call me petty, I really don't care. I spent six months begging Akk to love me, to talk to me, to give me anything that would look like a sign. A sign he needed my help, a sign he was still fighting for us and I got nothing. And now I find out he's been talking about me like I'm the best thing in his life, like he still loves me, like I abandoned him.

"Why are you even here, Akk?"

I knew this conversation would come eventually. I wanted to be ready for it, but sitting here I don't think I will ever be. So, maybe forcing myself to talk is the only way I will ever be able to move on with my life. This is where I have to be strong, This is where I choose myself. I deserve an explanation, at the very least. So I look up, at Akk. The love of my life, standing right in front of me.

If this conversation isn't destroying me enough, the sign in front of me definitely will. Akk looks horrible, there's bags under his eyes, I can tell he hasn't been sleeping for days. He's a lot skinnier now, and he's crying. Not just that, he looks devastated.