when love dies [akkayan]

help me

Ray POV

Two months have passed since I left. University is going pretty well, I made a few new friends, I bought a new car and I found my own apartment. It's not very big but it's close to the university and still close to Mew. Mew and Top are not doing very well, apparently Top is still using and it's starting to become a real problem in their relationship. I know Mew has been trying to help him as much as he can, but until Top accepts that he needs the help I don't think it will actually work out very well. 

I started texting Thua again, still haven't told him where I am, but we talk. He updates me about his life, and Kan and Wat, but never says anything about Akk, at least not with intent. And I don't ask. It's better this way. I haven't checked my old phone in a while, I couldn't do it anymore, Akk just kept texting everyday, with little updates about his life and his days, it was too much to me. One time, while we were talking, Kan let slide something about Akk acting even weirder, but Thua just told him to shut up so I didn't ask either. I keep trying to tell myself it's easier this way. 

I've not been doing very well either. I mean, classes have been going well, but I'm still drinking, just on weekends, but enough to make me regret it every time on the next day. During the week, when I'm sober, I tell myself it's a problem, and that I should quit, that I'm hurting myself. Instead of jumping off a cliff I'm now killing myself in a different way. But then I go out, and I can't stop thinking, so I drink, and I keep drinking until I'm so out of it I can't think anymore. I know Mew is kinda getting tired of it as well, and I still don't wanna die, but I also don't want to feel. it's hard to feel anything when you're passed out on the bathroom floor.

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Akk POV 

It's been two months since Aye left. Since he left me. I've been spending most of my time in our room, yes it's still our room. I can't bring myself to take down our pictures, or to remove his clothes from the closet. His guitar it's still on his side of the bed, completely untouched. His old jacket sleeps right beside me every night, and I can't fall asleep without it. It doesn't even smell like him anymore but it's the closest I have.

I've been texting him everyday, small things, stupid things really. Just to let him know I still think about him, he's the only person I want to tell about my day, about what happens in my life. He never replies. I keep trying anyway.

I can see Thua and Kan are worried about me, they keep showing up at the dorm everyday, leaving food by the door whenever I don't open. I can understand them really. I've been coming late to classes, sometimes not showing up at all, I abandoned my old friends and I don't even talk to anyone. But I also know I don't deserve their worry. Not after everything I did to Aye. I've been having a lot of time to think, too much. That night, standing at the bathroom door, asking me if we were done, I can see it was Aye's last attempt of asking me to love him, begging me to love him, to keep loving me. Truth is I never stopped.

When we started at uni I was so terrified, afraid people would treat me the way it happened at Supalo, that they wouldn't accept me. That's why I asked Aye to keep things for ourselves for a while. He accepted so easily though, I really thought he would fight me on it, remind me how we were out of our old school, that we were together and we could do anything. But of course Aye would never do it, he always waited for me, always made sure I was comfortable, I was okay. My time and my happiness were the most important things for him, and I took him for granted.

And of course people didn't care, I mean Thua and Kan were living freely, and I was hiding in my dorm, while having the best boyfriend in the entire world. Instead of enjoying it, I was pushing him away. And he kept coming back, bringing snacks, sitting with me at lunch while I ignored him just to talk to the new people I called my friends. 

But then a couple of the guys from my groups commented about how Aye seemed like a lost puppy around me and I froze. I should have stood up for my boyfriend, but the look in their eyes reminded me of the same look on teacher Chadok's face, and I was back at Supalo, back at being a disappointment. So instead of getting away from those guys and leaning on my boyfriend, I pushed him away. I stopped having lunch with him, I got up every morning while he was still asleep, I left him alone, every day and every night. I let my fears take control of my life, again, and I lost the best thing I've ever had. 

I always thought Aye would resent me for being the reason he didn't go after his dreams, instead I pushed him to the edge. All those months ago, Ayan made the choice of staying with me, of pausing his own dreams so we could live them together down the road. Instead of honoring the sacrifice he made, I pushed us so far back into the closet again, we ended up in different worlds when we got out.

How do you even come back from it?

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Ray POV 

There's a knock on my door, on a Sunday night, just as I'm getting ready to go to bed. Who could possibly be this late at night? 

When I open the door, nothing could prepare me for what I see. Top is standing there, there's bags under his eyes, like he hasn't been sleeping, the hollow in his eyes is somehow so much bigger than last time I saw him, but I only saw him two days ago. How did he get so bad in two days? Has he been crying the entire weekend? 

"Can you please help me?"

There it is, the first step.

The hardest one.

Maybe this is the universe giving me a way of thanking Mew for saving my life. Maybe I can help him get his boyfriend back.

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hey!!! Two chapters here 🩷

Oh and a little bit of Akk because we all need it and deserve it!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

🖤V☆